Autonomy
by Unshacken
Summary: They called her a hero, a legend, humanity's savior. Commander Shepard never felt she deserved any of it. She was just doing what she had to, after all. But when the Reapers invade, she begins to learn what it is about her that makes her the galaxy's best hope. Follows ME 3 story. Shenko.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's note: Apologies to anyone who was reading the original version of this story. I rethought the opening chapters and realized they weren't flowing for me at all; I'll be starting the story later in and incorporating the important bits via flashback. So if you were reading before, we're picking up where it left off; if you're new, you'll get filled in on everything you need to. Thanks for reading._

* * *

The first thing Kaidan Alenko noticed when he awoke was the dull ache in his head. Not a migraine, he realized quickly; it just... hurt. He heard a soft beeping noise at his right, felt the gentle drape of a sheet across his legs. _Where am I?_ he wondered. _What time is it?_ Trying to make some sense of it, he opened his eyes.

He blinked against the bright light as it flooded his vision. He lay on a small bed in a cramped room. In front of him were a sink and a vidscreen. A hospital room. He wondered how long he'd been out. He wondered what he'd done to end up here. He tried to remember.

He remembered Mars. He remembered the Cerberus bot rushing toward him, lifting him. He remembered being too dazed from the shuttle crash to bring his biotics online. He remembered Shepard, pointing her gun at the bot, trying to find an opening to shoot.

_Shepard..._ He remembered watching her face down the Illusive Man's holographic image. Cursing at him as he attempted to explain the 'improvements' he'd made to his agents. Her biotic field flaring dangerously when he told her he was working against her on humanity's behalf. She'd been so angry... He'd seen her determined, frustrated, even smoldering with quiet fury, but never that raw anger that she'd displayed. What had happened to her over the past year. What had shaken her, changed her, made it so difficult for him to recognize the woman inside?

_"He looks like a husk."_

_"Not quite." She nodded. "But, yeah."_

_He looked up at her as she backed away from the body. "Is this what they did to you?"_

_She abruptly turned away. "How...how could you even think that?"_

_He hadn't meant to insult her; he was still trying to come to terms with what had happened to her. And working so closely with her again wasn't making it any easier. He'd used the term _rebuilt_ earlier, but he wasn't even sure what he'd meant by it. What they'd meant by it. Had she really been dead when they brought her in? _Dead_ dead? The physical body was one thing, but how could someone just _rebuild_ a mind?_

_She glanced back to see him shake his head. "I don't know what to think. I don't know who, or what, you are anymore. Not since Cerberus brought you back."_

_She softened, and turned back toward him. She looked at him questioningly, as if she wasn't quite sure of that herself. "I'm _me_, Kaidan. I'm everything I ever was. I still don't know what they did, physically, but my memories, my feelings, it's all the same as it was before..."_

_"You can tell me that all day, but how would I really know? How would you? It's all just words, Shepard."_

_She grabbed his arm. "Well if words won't convince you, how about this." He felt her lips against his almost before he realized what she was doing. And the familiarity of those lips, the warmth and passion in that kiss, were everything he knew Elisa Shepard to be._

_"Not now, 'Lis," he muttered as he reluctantly pushed her away. The nickname should have felt foreign on his lips; it had been three years since he'd last spoken it, except in dreams. Yet somehow it was as familiar as if she'd never been gone._

He smiled at the memory of that brief kiss on Mars, of that name that only he could utter. She hadn't gotten to be 'Lis in a long time, he realized. And he knew some of the blame for that was his.

* * *

Commander Elisa Shepard hurried from the war room. She was growing re-accustomed to the familiar routine. Hit the ground-kill the bad guys-come back to the Normandy-_check in_. Of course, she'd prefer a check-in with Hackett or Anderson to the Council or the Illusive Man any day; it lessened the chance of her futilely trying to punch the hologram anyway. And it had been good to see Anderson. Somehow, Earth was still holding out against the Reapers. Somehow, it seemed like they had a fighting chance.

Still, that cautious optimism wasn't spreading to the other worries she had. She couldn't just hope Kaidan would survive. That would drive her crazy before long. She had to know. It had been three days; there had to be news by now, one way or the other.

Traynor barely had time to let her know she had messages waiting before she was in front of her terminal, accessing her email. She scanned the subject lines, looking for any indication... _Doc says I'm ready for visitors._ She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, releasing the rage and helplessness she'd felt since they'd left Mars as she exhaled.

"On approach for the Citadel," Joker's voice sounded over the loudspeaker. "Docking in ten minutes." They'd be stopping at the Citadel briefly to unload the Grissom Academy students they'd recently picked up. She checked the time; she might have a moment to drop by the hospital before they headed to Sur'kesh for the war summit.

"Joker," she commed the bridge. "How long d'you think we'll have at the Citadel before we have to make for the summit?"

"I'd say an hour, tops."

"That'll do," she told him as she boarded the elevator to her quarters. She slipped out of her armor, applying deodorant and splashing water on her face in lieu of a shower, then hurried to the bridge.

She hoped everything was truly all right, although his message had given no indication. The head injury had been bad enough, but she knew as well as any biotic that the implant brought it's own... complications. Damage to an implant site had been known to lead to severe brain damage, or even paralysis. He'd been well enough to write to her of course, but who knew if he'd be fit for duty anytime soon, or ever.

She tried to put her worries out of her mind; she'd be seeing him soon enough. But that only brought other problems to the forefront. Like what exactly she should say to him. There was so much lying unsaid between them. Their disastrous reunion on Horizon. His accusations on Mars; not to mention her response. Yet all that suddenly seemed unimportant in light of her gratitude that he was alive.

* * *

When the Commander asked him about the time frame they'd be docked at the Citadel, Joker assumed there was news about Alenko. He only hoped it was good news. Not that the two of them had been on the best of terms recently, even after Joker had left Cerberus. But, despite his adamant denial of being a 'people person', even he'd managed to determine that Shepard with Alenko was a hell of a lot more tolerable than Shepard without him.

"EDI, any chance you can access medical records on the Citadel?" he asked as they pulled in to dock.

"That would be highly illegal, Jeff, not to mention unethical. It could lead to my... removal from this vessel."

He wasn't sure whether she meant the Normandy or the gorgeous vessel seated beside him. Not that he wanted either, he realized. "Look, I just want to know how scary my CO is going to be when she gets back here. It's knowledge that I've found does wonders for my well-being."

"You could always ask her about his condition yourself. She is on her way to the bridge now."

"Yeah, you might want to stay out of her way then. I'm really not in the mood for another epic ass-chewing at the moment."

_"Hello, Jeff."_

_Joker was amazed when EDI strolled on the bridge to 'introduce' herself. She'd taken over the body of that dead Cerberus mech they'd picked up, and damn did she make it look good. Tall, curvy, and those legs... He struggled to pick his jaw up from the floor. "Can I... help you?"_

_"I wanted to see how you would react to my new platform. I am afraid the commander found it... distressing. She attacked. And she still appeared troubled even after finding out the Cerberus software was still inactive. I believe she will come around; still, I hope you will not share her prejudices against me due to this form."_

_Uh... "Don't worry, EDI, I don't think I'll be sharing those... same prejudices."_

_"Joker," the commander barked as she approached the bridge. He spun his chair around to face her._

_"Hey, Commander, have you seen my new co-pilot?" He smiled hopefully. Surely Shepard couldn't stay mad at EDI for too long._

_Or maybe she could. "Be careful with that thing." She scowled in EDI's direction. "Who knows what it's still got running there."_

_"Commander?"_

_EDI spoke up. "Commander, I have assured you that all Cerberus processes-"_

_"Yeah," Shepard waved a hand in EDI's direction. "You're pretty sure they're not going to make you throttle us in our sleep. Maybe I'm less optimistic. Maybe I've seen what that thing is capable of."_

_Joker was furious. How dare she. Sure, EDI had acquired a... very attractive... robot body. And yes, maybe it had originally been doing Cerberus's dirty work. But still... "Commander that's EDI in there. I trust her; if she says it's clean, it's clean."_

_"You're not being paid to be a security expert, Lieutenant." Her eyes narrowed. "I'll decide if she's a threat or not. If I really want your input, I'll ask for it."_

_He didn't mean to say it. He knew better than to question her, especially when she'd already busted out the 'Lieutenant'. "Look, Commander, just because you're worried about Kaidan, you don't have to take-"_

_"LIEUTENANT!" Joker was stunned into silence by her bellow. "You're not being paid to be my shrink either." She leaned in close, clearly trying to avoid being overhead by EDI. Joker decided against reminding her that the AI had audio sensors all over the bridge. "You're being paid to fly this ship. So _try_ to get us to Grissom Academy before Cerberus shows up, would you?_"

Joker shuddered with the memory. _That _had been one scary Shepard.

He turned the chair enough to see the commander approach the bridge; enough to see her deliberately look away from the co-pilot's seat. He'd been trying to keep their talk to the professional since that incident, but forced himself to voice the question, "What's the news?"

She knew what he was asking. "He's awake. I guess I'll find out the damage when I get there." She turned and headed through the airlock.

He let out the breath he was holding as the airlock door hissed to his side. "Well that went _slightly_ better. I hope everything's okay with Kaidan. Because it'll make Shepard a lot easier to work with, I mean."

"You care about her well-being."

He blinked. That was... a little more perceptive than he was comfortable with, coming from a machine. "I guess so. About both of them, if you're going to make me admit it. We've been through a lot together. And maybe Kaidan's been an ass... but she still gives a damn for some reason."

"I suppose I still have a lot to learn about human romantic attachments." She turned her head to look him in the eye.

Joker suddenly became very interested in something on his console. "I'd say we all do, EDI."

* * *

Kaidan was relieved to see Udina finally turn and head for the door. Granted, he was honored by the offer to be a Spectre, but the Councilor's persistence made him uncomfortable. Not to mention the suddenness of it, it almost seemed like a political play as much as an acknowledgement of his skills. He started to wish Anderson was still on the Council, but had to admit his old CO was needed more on Earth right now. Still, he didn't want to make a decision on the Spectre thing until he talked to...

"Shepard," Udina spat as he passed her on his way out the door.

"Udina." The name became a curse as she glared at the councilor from the corner of her eye.

Kaidan waited for the door to close. "You know, if someone stuck the two of you in a room together, they could bottle loathing."

Shepard laughed, her expression immediately softening. She sat beside the bed. "Hey, Kaidan. I guess he was here about that Spectre position?"

He nodded. "Yeah. So what do you think about that?"

She looked away from him, staring out the window. "It's a huge honor Kaidan. You'd be great at it. It'd be crazy to turn it down."

"But you're not saying I should do it."

She sighed. "I can't help feeling like Udina's got something up his sleeve. I just don't trust him."

"No, the two of you have never been on the best of terms for some reason."

"'Some reason'?" she snorted. "He's an ass; that's the reason." She paused. "I didn't come here to bitch about Udina though. How are you doing, Kaidan?"

"I'm ready to get out of here, Shepard. You can't see it, but I'm tied to this bed with medical red tape." She groaned and shook her head. "Wow, yeah, I guess that was pretty bad. I'll blame that one on the drugs. But yeah, Doc keeps saying I'm good to go, and then she always finds one more test to run."

She still looked worried. "But really, everything's okay?"

"My implant got a little... rattled. So Doc just wants me to keep the biotics offline for a while."

"Rattled."

"Well, between all the medical jargon, yeah, rattled was what I got out of it." He didn't feel the need to worry her with what could have been.

Not that it made a difference. "Shit, Kaidan, your implant... that could have been..."

"Bad, I know. But I'm okay. We lucked out, Shepard." We? Had he really said that? Maybe she hadn't noticed...

"We?"

_Damnit_! He didn't want to go there. Not yet. But now he'd brought them to the edge of that abyss stretching between them; an abyss spanned only by the events of the past year. He readied his apology. "Shepard, I need to know. After Mars, after Horizon, after everything that went down, are we... are we okay?"

Hell. That had not been an apology. He opened his mouth to try again.

"Yeah," she nodded. "Yeah, Kaidan, we're good."

"I- really?" He considered leaving it at that, then chided himself for the thought. He could not let her let him get off that easily. "Because I really am sorry for how I treated you, for how I reacted. It just..." He wasn't sure he was ready to bring up everything he'd gone through when he'd encountered her that day on Horizon. "I don't think I was wrong about Cerberus, but I was wrong about you. Whatever they did to you... you're still you."

"It's okay, Kaidan. I didn't come here to talk about Mars, or fucking Horizon. I came here for you." She paused. He watched a dozen expressions cross her face, as she considered topics and then discarded them. Finally she spoke again. "I... really need to get going, Kaidan. The Salarians'll flip if I'm late for this thing." She forced a laugh.

"I understand. Thanks for coming, Shepard." She walked out the door, and he was left feeling not quite sure where they were. There was a time when he'd welcomed the uncertainty, back when he'd been just a junior officer with a crush on his CO. It had been better than outright rejection, and it left him with a way out. He suddenly found himself cursing that long-heeded rule. Yeah, he always had a way out; on Horizon, it had been the Alliance, his career, his duty. Now, he just wished he could find his way back in.

* * *

It could have gone better. It could have gone much, much worse. They kept dancing around each other, totally comfortable with the feelings they had for each other... until they made one another aware of them. Maybe it was prettier than it had been on the Normandy, or on Mars, but they were still dancing. And she'd never been much of a dancer.

Still, he'd apologized. He hadn't even needed to at that point. He'd been willing to get it all out in the open. She wished she hadn't accepted it so readily. She wished she hadn't been so willing to brush it all aside in her relief that he was alive and whole. She owed herself more than that, didn't she?

Besides, what would happen if he became a Spectre. No doubt, she was proud of him, even if Udina did have some ulterior motive. But they would end up stuck on separate missions, hardly ever able to see each other. She wanted him back on her crew. She wanted him back with her, she forced herself to admit. She remembered how easy it had seemed back on the SR-1. She'd just been Commander Shepard then, and she didn't need anyone. At least not until she did.

She'd manage, though. She'd done it before; she just had to focus on being Commander Shepard. She knew how to be Commander Shepard; she was good at it. Even when she really just wanted to be-

"Siha," a soft voice broke through her thoughts.

"Thane?" He was in a chair by the large window, looking out at the presidium. She seated herself beside him.

"Did you not get my message? I wasn't sure I had the right address..."

Shepard shook her head. "I probably did. Haven't had much time to check; I'm sorry." She inhaled deeply. "So, you're a patient here, then?

"I am. My condition has worsened in these last months."

"Do you know... how long?" She wasn't sure how to approach him. She'd lost friends in battle, of course, but that was so quick. They had minutes, at most, before they reached their end. To truly see a friend dying, to see illness take him, was a new experience.

He shook his head. "Some days are better than others. I exercise, try to keep my strength up. It has not been easy. I wish I could fight by your side again, in these dark times."

She reached out to take his hand. "Thane," she began, but wasn't sure how to continue.

He smiled at her. "So why are you here then, Siha?"

"Visiting a friend, Kaidan. He was injured in battle."

"Yes, I remember you speaking of him. I met him yesterday. He seems an honorable man. You are fortunate to have him by your side."

By my side... "He- I- What did he tell you?"

Thane shook his head slowly. "Nothing I could repeat. Things he must tell you himself, in his own time." He paused. "Your enemies might try to reach him here. I will look after him for you."

"Thane, you don't need to do that..."

" I do not know how much time I have left. Let me use what time I do have as I wish, helping someone whom I care for."

She didn't speak for a long moment. Finally, she said, "Thane, I'm sorry; I have to go for now. I'll come to see you, later."

"Of course, Siha. The work you do is important. Go, now; you have a galaxy waiting for you."


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard left the hospital and double-timed it back to the Normandy. "Commander," Joker greeted, "good timing. We were about to send a search party."

"Sorry, got a bit delayed." She lowered her voice. "Ran into Thane at the hospital."

"Thane?" Joker looked up. "What was he-" Realization spread across his face. "Oh."

"Yeah."

"Shit."

Shepard nodded. "Yeah." She started down the corridor, then turned back. "So if we're in such a big hurry, why aren't we moving?"

Joker looked over his shoulder. "I was just messing with you, Commander. We've got time. Besides, not like they can start without us."

Shepard hurried to her quarters and showered, then pulled up her email as she slipped into her dress blues. Sure enough, there was the message from Thane, as well as a meeting request from Aria T'loak and a request for help with Spectre business. They'd have to come back her as soon as they were done on Sur'kesh, she realized. At least she'd be able to let the crew have a little shore leave while she was working.

She let her eyes close as she buttoned her jacket and it was a sweet relief. She'd been going all out for nearly twenty hours. Sleep would be a welcome luxury. She dropped into her desk chair, relaxing in the coolness of the soft leather. _Just __five __minutes__..._

Joker's voice on the apartment's loudspeaker startled her awake. "Commander, You'd better get down here." She frantically glanced at the clock on her terminal. She'd been asleep for nearly an hour. "Wrex and Dalatrass Linron are already aboard."

"Damnit! I thought you said they wouldn't start without me."

"Not without the Normandy. It being the venue and all. They don't seem to be waiting on you, though."

She sighed. "On my way, then. Time for some fancy talk."

Shepard hurried down to the conference room. "You think the Krogan are your pets? Your caged varren?" Wrex was saying. "For you to release whenever you're in trouble and then leave to rot once you're through with us? We've got Reapers on Tuchanka, too. What do I care if they wipe out a few Turians."

The Primarch raised a hand. "Wrex, this isn't getting us anywhere. I'm willing to work _with_you. Just tell us what you want." For all his earlier protestations against leadership, Victus was holding his own leading the meeting in her absence.

Wrex leaned over the table, his red eyes piercing the atmosphere of the small room. "I'll tell you what I _need_. A cure for the genophage."

The Dalatrass shook her head. "_That _is out of the question."

Shepard turned to her. "Why are you so opposed to this?"

"Because we know what they're capable of. The Salarians uplifted the Krogan. We saw what happened when they were unleashed."

Wrex turned away from the Dalatrass. "You _used _us to fight the Rachni for you. It was Krogan blood that was spilled, Krogan strength that won that war. And you repaid us with slow genocide."

"The genophage was the only way to keep your _urges _in check!" the dalatrass responded. Shepard clenched her fists beneath the table but managed to keep her expression neutral. Wrex didn't bother to try. He stared angrily across the table, but didn't speak.

Victus did. "Dalatrass, whether you like it or not, Wrex has a point. Insulting him isn't going to change that."

The Dalatrass refused to give up. "I'm not going to apologize for the truth. We uplifted to Krogan for one thing, to wage war. It's all they know because it's all we wanted them to know."

Shepard forgot any pretense of neutrality. "So you played god and it came back to bite you in the ass. That's not my problem. The Reapers _are_." She turned to Wrex. "And yes, we need the Krogan to help fight them. All they're wanting in return is a chance to be allowed to find their own way, _without _interference. It's been a long time since the rebellions, and the genophage."

"One thousand, four hundred and seventy-six years, if you're keeping track," Wrex said dryly.

"And we've had a thousand years of peace, with them contained," the Dalatrass concluded.

Shepard was about ready to toss the Salarian out, possibly biotically (she chewed on her lip to keep from smiling at the mental image), when the Primarch exclaimed, "Enough!" She was grateful that he was here to keep a clear head; the rest of them were far too emotionally invested in the situation. "Whether or not the Krogan deserve a cure, it would take years to actually develop one."

_That's not entirely true, _Shepard opened her mouth to say, but Wrex beat her to it.

"My sources say otherwise," he stated, moving to the head of the table. "A Salarian scientist named Maelon came to my world some months ago, to test a cure on our females."

"I remember," said Shepard. "His methods were barbaric. The females died."

"No," said Wrex, "not all of them. So the Dalatrass here sent in a team to clean up, and take them prisoner."

"Where did you hear this?" the Dalatrass asked nervously. "This is nonsense."

"No. more. lies!" Wrex's voice rumbled with anger. "Those are my people; they are immune to the genophage and I'm getting them back."

"And why should I allow this? How will curing the genophage benefit _my _people?"

Shepard put the full weight of her authority behind her response. "Because none of us is defeating the Reapers alone. So what's it going to be?"

The Dalatrass sighed and put her head in her hand. "The females are being held in one of our STG bases on Sur'kesh. I can transmit the coordinates. But I warn you, Commander, the consequences of this will be-"

"They'll be nothing compared to if the Reapers win!" Shepard slammed her hand on the table. She lowered her voice. "But you still don't get it, do you? Take a long, hard look, Dalatrass, at Earth, or Palaven, or any number of colony worlds that have been hit. Look at them, and then tell me you honestly believe the Krogan are the bigger threat." Shepard shook her head as she left the room, Wrex and Victus following her.

"I won't forget this, Commander!" the Dalatrass continued to shout. "You'll find-" The door closed behind them.

"Bitch," muttered Wrex.

Shepard nodded in agreement.

* * *

"Commander," EDI approached her as she left the war room, "I wish to apologize if I have caused you distress by choosing to use this platform. I do hope to resolve any further animosity you may have toward it." Fresh from a diplomatic meeting and still in dress uniform, she was able to see EDI differently, somehow. Rather than a Cerberus creation, a near-murderer, a _threat, _she saw a friend.

"No apology necessary, EDI. I was reacting emotionally. It was inappropriate." She chided herself for the initial reaction, for falling apart when EDI had first taken control of Dr. Eva's body. She couldn't let herself fall apart like that. She had to stay calm, confident, if she wanted to convince her crew they actually had a chance, much less convince the different races to unite.

"In that case, Commander, I would like to accompany your ground team some time, to test the capabilities of this platform." At Shepard's questioning look, she continued. "This unit was designed with advanced combat protocols. I think they could be useful to you."

"Combat protocols? You're telling me there's still Cerberus software running on that thing?" Shepard started to back away toward the elevator.

Traynor had looked up at the commander's outburst and took a step to EDI's side. "Commander, Engineer Adams and I have thoroughly scanned the existing intelligence protocols. All that's left of Eva Core are basic operational protocols. Basically, she's as much of a threat as the coffee maker."

"Have you tasted the swill that comes out of that thing?" Shepard shook her head and her voice grew serious. "I'm sorry, EDI. I do trust you. But I can't trust _that__." _She waved her hand in EDI's direction. "The answer is no." She turned and boarded the elevator to her quarters.

* * *

"All right, so here's the plan," Shepard began as the team boarded the shuttle four hours later. "We're gonna land, get the females, and leave before anyone changes their mind."

"Really, Shepard?" Garrus remarked dryly. "You almost sound like you're begging for something to go horribly wrong."

"Well pardon me for being an optimist, Vakarian. It's gotta work out for me one of these days, right?" She nodded in his direction and took a seat at the rear of the shuttle.

Liara sat beside her. "You went to see Kaidan. How did it go?"

_Nice of someone to give a damn, _Shepard thought. Which wasn't entirely fair. She'd been trying to concentrate on the job she had ahead of her; Kaidan, at this point, was a huge distraction. So she tried to keep things simple. "He's doing well. He should be getting discharged in two or three days."

Liara wasn't letting her get away with it. "And how are _you?"_

_Damn! _"We- I'm... okay, I guess." Liara maintained her steady gaze. Yet Shepard couldn't help but be reminded of the Asari's fascination with her, during the hunt for Saren, and her awkward withdrawal when she'd realized that there was _something _between Shepard and her Lieutenant. "Liara, you don't have to do this."

She put a hand on the commander's shoulder. "These are dark times, Shepard. We deserve whatever bright spots we can get. You especially"

Shepard didn't feel she deserved any more than anyone else. And none of them deserved the Reapers. She looked down. "Kaidan and I, well..." She recalled his words. _You're worth fighting for... Are we okay?... You're still you... _And whatever he'd said to Thane that the Drell had been unwilling to repeat. He wasn't saying any of this by accident; he hadn't tripped, or stumbled, or immediately tried to swallow his words. No, he meant it, even if he didn't know just how his words affected her. She wanted him back, _needed _him back, but how could she just put the last three years behind her? Was it even possible? Yet his very presence had felt so _comfortable _at the hospital... "I just don't know."

"Commander," Cortez hollered from the cockpit, "I've got the Salarian base on sensors."

"Bring us in, Cortez."

"They're saying we don't have permission to land."

"What the-" Shepard hurried to the cockpit and leaned over to the shuttle's comm system. "The dalatrass authorized this herself."

"_I'm sorry, we don't have any record of-"_

"Damnit!" shouted Wrex. "I knew they'd try to screw us. Time for a good, old-fashioned Krogan airdrop." He yanked open the shuttle door and cocked his shotgun.

"Wait, don't-" Shepard moved toward the doorway but Wrex was already on the ground. "Damnit, Wrex!" She watched helplessly as the Krogan biotically pushed away a pair of Salarian guards. And then she saw the lasers; snipers mobilizing on an upper level. "Stand down, Wrex!" She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. _So much for diplomacy._

"Wait!" shouted another Salarian as he ran out of the building. "Hold your fire!" He looked up at the shuttle to address Shepard. "Commander, we're very sorry. Dalatrass Linron only informed us of this transfer a few minutes ago. You have been cleared to land."

"Thank you, and I apologize for the misunderstanding." _Fucking diplomacy. _"Bring us down, Cortez." She leaned over and muttered to Garrus, "And if she'd waited just a little longer we could have had an incident here instead of just a situation."

The Salarian held out a hand to her as she disembarked the shuttle. "Commander, we served together briefly on Virmire. Major Kirrahe."

Shepard smiled as she took his hand. "Major. So how are we doing this?"

"Everything is waiting downstairs in the lab, but I'm afraid the Krogan will have to stay up here-"

"What?" shouted Wrex.

Shepard held up a hand to calm him. "Wrex, you know I'll do whatever I can to help your people. We'll get this done. Liara, you're with me." She motioned for Garrus to step aside with her. "Garrus, you're my eyes and ears up here; I want to get this done and get out of here as quickly as possible. And for god's sake, keep an eye on Wrex."

"Ready, Commander?" asked Kirrahe. She nodded. "Follow me, then."

* * *

"After all this time, to live to see this day," Wrex said. "We're going to get a cure." He scowled. "I should be there. But if there's anyone else I trust to do right by my people, it's Shepard."

James nodded. "She's a hell of a lady. You should have seen Earth, when the Reapers showed up. It was crazy, them coming down all over, just wiping out the city. Hard to think there's any way we could stop them. But with Shepard in charge, she actually makes it seem possible."

Garrus kept one ear on the conversation while he passively monitored his comm, but didn't join in. Wrex had always admired Shepard as a warrior, and the kid, Vega, was still caught up in hero worship. He couldn't blame either of them; he'd felt the same way once upon a time. But the past year had changed that. He and Shepard had both seen each other at their worst.

_"Joker, pick us up. I've had it with this colony." Minutes later, they had boarded the shuttle and were making their way back to the Normandy. Jack leaned against one wall, smiling and occasionally shaking her head in a way that made Garrus a little- well actually, very- nervious. Shepard sat on the opposite seat, her head down, eyes closed. Nervously, Garrus sat beside her._

_"Was I really so wrong, Garrus?" she asked him before he could formulate any words of comfort. "Is it so wrong of me to try to piece together any parts of my life that I can?"_

_Garrus froze. He'd joined her with the expectation of offering what comfort he could: a friendly hug, an understanding nod, whatever platitudes he could muster. Shepard's dip into the philosophical had caught him off guard. It shouldn't have been surprising, of course. Dying, being resurrected by a group who'd been an enemy last time she checked, then being stuck working with them if she wanted to help her people... he was pretty sure they didn't make greeting cards for that situation._

_He still tried. "Hey, the rest of us are still here for you, you know." It seemed trite. He didn't know how to handle this side of Shepard. She was always collected, determined, sure of herself. "And I'm sure he'll-"_

_"Don't, Garrus." She got up and went to stand at the shuttle door. "I don't want to talk about it, right now."_

In fact, she hadn't mentioned it again. A few days later he'd walked past her terminal in the CIC to hear her muttering curses at it. He'd looked at her curiously; she only shook her head and looked away.

It was the only time he'd seen a chink in her armor. But it was enough for him to realize that for everything she'd done, for everything she represented, she was as vulnerable as the rest of them. He knew Commander Shepard was no superhero, even if she'd never admit it. And knowing that just made him respect her even more.

"_Shit!_" Shepard's voice on his headset broke through his thoughts.

"Shepard?" He felt the building shake as the sound of the explosion pounded in his ear. "SHEPARD!" He slammed his hand against the wall. "Damnit! C'mon, answer me!"

He heard a groan and some coughing, and then finally, "_It's okay, Garrus, everyone's fine._" He sighed with relief. "_We're cut off now, though. Gonna need to find another way up. Mordin's bringing the female up through the service elevator. We'll on the stairs._"

"We can try and come at it from the other end, meet you halfway..."

"_Negative, Vakarian. You keep that landing zone secure and make sure the shuttle's ready to go."_

"Will do."

Garrus felt something tugging on his shoulder as Wrex spun him around and pinned him to the wall. "What's going on? What the hell are they trying to pull. Fuck diplomacy; I'm going down there."

"Wrex, wait." Garrus pointed to the two gleaming white Cerberus shuttles approaching their location. "It's not the Salarians."

"Cerberus." Wrex squinted. "What do they want with this? I thought Shepard told them where to shove it."

Garrus's mandibles clicked with amusement. "She did. It didn't go over well. And I don't know what they think they're up to." He paused to activate his comm. "Shepard, Cerberus shuttles on approach. Keep an eye out down there." With her acknowledgement he turned back to Wrex. "Shepard said she had a run in with them on Mars. One of their mechs put Alenko in the hospital."

"Yeah, their guys were after those Crucible plans," Vega said. "Don't know why they'd try to fight us right now though. You think they're working for the Reapers?"

Garrus shook his head. "Doubt it. The Illusive Man always had a plan; he wouldn't be that short-sighted. He's got to be thinking he can come out on top in this somehow."

"Sounds pretty damn short-sighted to me," muttered Wrex. "An all-human group against the Reapers? Now if they still had Shepard, they might have a point."

_And here we go again_. Garrus sighed and turned his attention back to the comm. After something about a Yahg, and Kirrahe finding them some fancy Salarian prototype weapons in a locker (Damn, he wished Shepard had brought him with her), and what he was sure must have been dozens of Cerberus troops, she finally addressed him again. "_Garrus, the female's on her way up. I hope you've got that LZ ready."_

Garrus was about to acknowledge her when Wrex shouted, "Garrus!" He pointed at the shuttle approaching their location. "More Cerberus looking for trouble."

"Belay that, Shepard!" Garrus bellowed into the comm. "It's about to get hot up here." He dropped into cover as the shuttle came to a stop and aimed his sniper rifle at the door. It hadn't had a chance to open fully before he'd taken out two of the Cerberus soldiers, and a third was almost before his boots hit the pavement.

"Wanna leave some for the rest of us?" Wrex hollered. The Krogan was beside the shuttle in a flash, engaging in the close-range fighting that he preferred. Shepard had a tendency to fight the same way, charging in with her biotics, taking down any remaining foes with a shotgun blast or even a melee attack. Garrus preferred to keep his distance. It kept things from getting too personal.

Finally the troops stopped exiting the shuttle. Wrex sent the last one flying off the balcony with a biotic push. Garrus prepared to give Shepard the all clear.

That was when the Cerberus mech dropped from the sky. "Wrex, James, keep your distance." Garrus dropped down and rolled to to a corner opposite the Atlas. He fired a shot from his rifle that bounced off the mech's windscreen. Wrex's Shockwave didn't even seem to scratch it.

"I got this, guys!" Vega hollered, firing an explosive round from his shotgun as he ran toward the mech, then sliding between its legs as it blew. The glass shattered. Garrus aimed and dropped the pilot with a quick headshot.

"You're clear, Shepard," Garrus commed. "Bring her in."


	3. Chapter 3

_The buzzing coursed through Kaidan's head as consciousness slowly returned to him. Groggily, he attempted to open his eyes, but the lids didn't budge. He was vaguely aware of his surroundings: grass beneath his feet, a breeze in his face, the awkward, hunched over position of his body; but when he reflexively tried to straighten up and stretch, he found himself paralyzed._

_Worst of all, though, was the buzzing. It pulsed through his brain, invading his mind, fully occupying his thoughts. He forced himself to ignore it and focus. The colonists. Whatever this was, it had a hold of them, too. He was supposed to protect them. He'd failed. Just like he'd failed Shepard. Sure he'd heard the rumors, but it couldn't be true. Joker said she'd been spaced. He'd watched her suit fail. Besides, it had been two years. If Shepard was somehow alive, she'd have contacted him; he was sure._

_He couldn't afford to be thinking about Shepard right now, though. He had to worry about the colonists, about the people he could still save. He had willed the sound of the buzzing from his brain; now he willed himself to move. He could feel the biotic flare throughout his body as his nervous system struggled to assert itself. He felt his muscles try to remember familiar motions as he tried to move his arms, push forward with his legs. And suddenly, with a flash of biotic energy, he was free._

_He reached down to grab the rifle that had fallen beside him as he activated his barrier, hoping the latter would manage to keep him protected from any more of those bug... things. He'd never seen anything like that before, and doubted that Cerberus had anything to do with it. He needed to let Anderson know. He activated his omni-tool and patched into the colony's communication network... and was surprised to hear chatter._

_There was a crashing sound-"Shit! Garrus, distract this thing a sec."-Shepard's voice?-The click of a rifle being cocked-"Got it, Shepard."-a biotic explosion, followed by another voice, an unfamiliar one-"Haha, fuck yeah! Good one, Shepard."_

_It was true. She was here. Kaidan forgot all plans of calling Anderson. He traced the comm signal, and hurried to reach her location. He had to get to her, even though he knew what would happen next. They would embrace, both of them relieved to see the other alive. And then he would start to accuse her. Ask her how she could let him think she was dead, how she could betray everything she stood for. She would protest, try to explain, but he wouldn't listen. He never listened._

_He arrived in the makeshift courtyard, prepared for the familiar scene, but what he saw betrayed his memory. Shepard stood there, alone, paralyzed in the thrall of the swarm. "Shepard!" he cried. "Shepard, you have to resist it! Find something else to focus on, and you can break free, like I did!"_

_But had he? The buzzing grew louder. "Shepard," he struggled to say again. He raised a hand and tried to reach out to her, but was stopped as his body froze into place. He was trapped, and all he could do was look at her, as the buzzing continued..._

_BZZT__! __BZZT__! __BZZT__! _The incoming call on Kaidan's omni-tool forced itself into his dream. Trying to regain consciousness, he rubbed one arm across his face as he reached for the omni-tool with the other. "Shepard?" he muttered as he answered the call, his mind still somewhere on Horizon. Finally, he opened his eyes to see Donnell Udina's face looking back at him.

He cringed visibly, and tried to turn it into a cough. "Councilor, I'm sorry, you- ah- I guess I'd dozed off..."

Udina nodded once, scowling. "Major," he said, "I'm glad you've finally decided to accept my offer. You'll be important symbol for humanity. The second human Spectre."

Kaidan chuckled. "Not sure how much people really care about the second person to do something."

"Perhaps," Udina considered, "but what matters is now. And right now humanity needs a hero it can be proud of."

Kaidan was perceptive enough to see notice what Udina was implying, but he wasn't going to rise to the bait. He kept his expression blank and avoided mentioning Shepard. "I'm honored you feel that way, Councilor."

"Which is why I feel we can spare a bit more ceremony in this case. What would you say about two weeks from now."

"Well, I did have a few things I wanted to look into once I'm released from here." He thought about his students, hoping that maybe the Spectre resources he'd now have access to would help him track them down. "But I think two weeks should be fine."

"I'm glad. This is a wonderful opportunity. It will help give the people hope."

Kaidan nodded. "Yes, it will." He quickly cut the connection, not trusting himself to keep quiet, as he knew he should. He knew what Udina was trying to do. He'd lost control of his pet Spectre and was trying to groom a replacement. Kaidan wasn't going to let himself get caught up in the whole politics of the situation. Hell, he wouldn't know where to start. But it _was_a great honor, whatever the reasoning behind it, and if it let him help his students, if it let him help Earth, if it let him help Shepard, none of the rest of it mattered.

He'd barely disconnected the call from Udina when the omni-tool buzzed again, indicating an incoming text message. He reactivated the tool, and felt his breath catch when he read the incoming text:

_**Cathy Alenko:** Kaidan, please be there. Not much news here and don't know how long I'll have access._

_**Kaidan Alenko:** Mom! I'm here! You guys made it._

_**Cathy Alenko:** Been here 2 nights so far. Dad got the comm running a few hours ago but I couldn't get through off planet til now. No voice or vid though. Text only._

Kaidan smiled in spite of the situation. One of his biggest worries had been lifted; his parents were safe, for now. He knew his father would have relished the challenge of trying to get communications online down at the orchard, tinkering with their priority settings so they could even have a chance at offworld contact right now, adjusting the inbound frequencies to give them access to any news.

He remembered when he was a kid, and they'd spend weekends doing these kind of projects together. They'd find some old PC or radio at a garage sale or thrift store and set about improving it: overclocking it or tampering with frequencies or boosting signals. Kaidan had been sure that he would join the service as an engineer when he was old enough. Until brain camp changed everything.

He couldn't help but wonder what kind of person he'd have been without it. Would he be where he was right now, an officer and now a Spectre? And what about Shepard. She'd accepted his past, said she liked the man it had made of him. Would he still be the kind of man she could love? Would he have even met her?

_**Kaidan Alenko:** Yeah, net's pretty strained I would think. But everything's ok there now? What's Dad up to?_

_**Cathy Alenko:** Your Dad's not here, Kaidan. He went back._

* * *

Shepard groggily opened her eyes, trying to think of where she needed to be. Happily, she realized the answer was nowhere. After realizing Mordin would need some time to finalize the genophage cure before they could proceed down that road, she'd authorized everyone 48 hours leave once they reached the citadel, then collapsed in her bed without undressing. As she looked at her clock, she realized that had been nearly 12 hours ago.

Dragging sore muscles across her quarters, she slipped out of dirty fatigues and turned on her shower. Shipboard bathing always left quite a bit to be desired, especially in terms of water pressure, but she let the blissfully hot water do its best to soothe her aches as she stretched under it, arching her back, rotating her shoulders.

A beeping noise behind her alerted Shepard that the water would be shutting off in a minute. She quickly finished rinsing and grabbed a towel from a shelf. That was the other thing about shipboard showers. They were never damn long enough. She was pondering what exactly she would do on the Citadel while there was no immediate emergency to grab her attention, when the comm on her desk started flashing.

"Hmm," she muttered, activating it.

Mordin's face greeted her. "Commander, good. EDI said you were awake. You should stop by medbay. Meet with Eve."

"On my way." The female Krogan was a shaman and would claim no other name, so Mordin had proceeded to call her 'Eve', presumably for Shepard's benefit. _No__pressure__, __there__, _she had mused sympathetically, while she wondered if the Salarians even had a mythological equivalent.

She was wondering this again as she stepped off the elevator on Deck Three and nearly collided with Dr. Chakwas. "Whoops! Sorry about that," she said as she narrowly dodged to the side.

The doctor shook her head. "Don't worry about it. I've just been trying to find a place to settle while Mordin invades my office."

Shepard smiled. "Well, they did turn his lab into a conference room."

"Of course, and I completely understand, it's just... not what I'm used to."

"Well, good luck then." Shepard rounded the corner and continued to the medbay.

"Mordin," she held out a hand as she entered the room. "How's everything been going here?"

"Research progressing wonderfully. Maelon's data left much to work with. May have cure fully synthesized within two weeks. Eve very agreeable to procedures. Wrex... less so."

"Indeed," remarked Eve from a bed at the back of the room, "such a powerful Krogan warrior- until you get a needle near his quad." The Krogan chuckled as Shepard walked back to join her. "Regardless, the Salarian seems to know what he's doing. Despite the interruptions."

"What interruptions?"

"Your pilot has been contacting him. He seems to be concerned with the logistics of... mating with the synthetic."

_No. Nonono. I did not just hear that. "Please tell me I didn't just hear that."_

"I wish I hadn't," Eve replied.

Shepard tried to change the subject, for her own sake. "Still, you've been taking this quite well. It can't be easy, having the fate of your people resting on your shoulders."

"You say that, even while you have the fate of so many more resting on yours."

"If I wasn't here, someone else would be." Yet whether that was true or not, after four years of being strung along at the galaxy's whims, suddenly everyone was looking to her. And regardless what anyone else might have done, it all fell to her now. Just as it had, on a smaller scale, at Elysium. There couldn't have been anyone else in this position. No, the galaxy had made her its bitch, and it was here to collect.

"But they're not. As my sisters are not. Some would call it chance; I might have, when I was younger. But I haven't believed in chance for a long time. But perhaps I'll tell you more, later."

* * *

They were going to have this discussion, she decided. Yes, he'd apologized; and yes, she'd accepted it, but there hadn't been time then for her to say what she needed to say, and for him to say what she needed to hear. But as much as she wanted to brush it aside, she had to know whether he trusted her or not. She owed herself that much, at least. And if it wasn't going to work out between them, that was okay. She could manage this on her own.. She'd proven that to herself. She defeated the Collectors, hadn't she?.

"_So if the mind and the body are separate, what about the heart?" She wasn't really looking for an answer. Spirituality had never been something that interested her, and even her recent- well, not so recent, really- death hadn't driven her to seek God. No, she asked because it would allow her to talk. Because it would give her a chance to open up, when she had no one in her world to open up to. _

_Tali, Garrus, and even Joker looked up to her too much. Jacob was too distant, Grunt too young, Jack too unstable, Samara too detached, and Miranda was... Miranda. But Thane was different somehow. His beliefs notwithstanding, she got the impression that he saw her as nothing more than she was. She could be honest with him and he wouldn't doubt her._

"_You would only be asking that if it was a matter of the heart that concerned you," he responded. "You are thinking of someone you love. Tell me about them, if you're willing."_

_She did. She told him about the beacon on Eden Prime, and the friendly face she'd woken up to afterward. She told him about the feelings he had been so reluctant to admit to, and the feelings he'd gradually evoked in her. She told him about Virmire, about Ilos, about Kaidan's relief to see her alive after the battle of the Citadel. She told him about the last time she'd seen him on the old Normandy, when she'd sent him to the escape pod without her._

_She told him about Horizon._

"_At first I was just so relieved to hear his voice, see him standing there. It was like the first moment I'd truly woken up, where I wasn't just going through the motions. I can't even imagine what it must have been like for him. Then we embraced, and for just a moment it felt like we might be able to go back to how things were._

"_But he started accusing me, thinking I'd been alive and working for Cerberus for the past two years, thinking I'd deliberately avoided contacting him. How could he think that? Garrus believed me; even Tali'Zorah was able to trust me. But he wouldn't even hear me out, let me try to explain..."_

_Thane cut her off there. "He had so much more to lose."_

_She considered this for a long moment. There was truth in what he said. After the pain of losing her once, he would be resistant to let her back in. To let himself believe her, only to lose her again if he was wrong._

"_I am not saying he was right, to do what he did," Thane continued, "In fact, I suspect that he wishes even now that he could have responded differently."_

"_How can you say that? You don't even know him."_

"_I know what you told me. I know he loves you. I imagine I might do the same, were Irikah to appear before me tomorrow."_

"_I miss him," she confessed. "This would all seem so much simpler if he was here."_

_Thane nodded. "Of course it would. But nonetheless, you will meet the obstacles ahead of you, and you will overcome them. Your strength will see you through, Siha."_

"_Siha," she repeated, "you never told me what that means."_

_He looked away. "She is one of the warrior angels of the goddess Arashu. Fierce in wrath. A tenacious protector. You embody her, Shepard."_

_She was wrong. He'd put her on a pedestal same as the rest of them. Yet... "And you can still think of me that way? After everything I've told you?" _

_He looked back up at her, surprised. "Of course. We all have pain in our lives; it doesn't make one weak. Indeed, to carry on in spite of it demonstrates great strength." He paused. "Now as for the question you ask; it is something that drell philosophers have long considered. I'm afraid I don't have a definite answer for you..."_

And she hadn't really needed one, she now realized. She knew she loved Kaidan. She knew he loved her. Mistakes had been made on both sides. They didn't need to have this discussion, she decided. They just needed to know they were there for one another, now.

"Ma'am, what will you have?" the Quarian behind the counter repeated.

Shepard was startled from her daydream to realize that she'd reached the front of the line at the hospital's cafe. "Two coffees, please. One black, one sweet."

"Yes, ma'am, right away." the Quarian hurriedly prepared the order and set the cups in front of her. "Six credits."

She paid him, took the coffee, and headed into the patient lounge.


	4. Chapter 4

Joker fidgeted on the docking bay bench, trying to find a spot that wasn't trying to rub his ass raw. He wasn't sure why they even bothered padding these seats; the thin, lumpy cushioning and sticky vinyl were more uncomfortable than just sitting on the hard plastic. Hell, for all he knew it was part of the original Citadel design specs, some kind of secret Reaper torture device, some part of their plan the Protheans had forgot to mention. _Jump in, cut off interstellar travel and communications, and, oh yeah, make sure everyone's too sore-assed to fight back. _

He shook his head. Damn war even had him taking a turn toward the disturbingly morbid. He was probably making too much of it as it was, but spending as much of his life sitting down as he had, had given him an appreciation of proper seating. Which this decidedly was not.

He glanced up again at the door facing him. EDI had gone in there nearly half an hour ago, and he was definitely starting to worry. Well, technically, he'd started to worry before she'd gone in. He'd asked if she wanted to back out when he'd submitted the forms and found out that they'd need to run a software check on the mech in question. EDI was sure that she could pull it off, however, and Jeff had been so struck by her mischievous streak that he agreed.

With each minute that passed, though, his confidence wavered. It had been different trying to pass her off on the Normandy. They'd just said she was the ship's VI, and no one had any reason to question it. But these people checking her out now were professionals. They were trained in detecting illegal intelligences, and they knew _exactly _what they were looking for. On top of that, he didn't even know what they'd do to her if she was found out. Just shut her off then and there? Or destroy her completely? Would they come after him next? Or maybe even the Normandy? Shit, if they found her out they'd trace her back to the Normandy's AI core, probably just delete her at the source. He stood to lose his ship and his girl. Not that she was _his girl, _exactly, but...

"Joker!" James Vega's booming voice rang across the docking bay. "You got plans or are you just gonna hang out down here all day?"

Joker chuckled, thankful for the distraction. "Why? You offering me a ride?"

"Nah, I'd barely even be getting a workout, hauling your scrawny ass around. Hell, I'd probably _lose _muscle."

_Well, can't have that, can we? _Joker snorted. "I'm just out here waiting on EDI. I got her registered as my personal assistance mech so she can come out here and hang out. Assuming she's not found out by the guys checking her over in there." At Vega's blank stare he continued. "You know, the whole AI thing."

"Oh... right." Vega paused. "You know, Shepard's gonna kill you."

"When they impound her ship for having an unshackled AI on board? Yeah, I'd say she probably will."

"Well, you know, that and the fact that she doesn't want EDI taking that Cerberus mech off the ship."

"Oh, that." Joker shook his head. He was so sick and tired of Shepard's attitude toward EDI lately. She didn't know a thing about the tech involved, and she was still pissed off over what happened to Kaidan... ""You know what? I don't even give a shit about that. Shepard's just jealous that she doesn't have the best ass on the Normandy anymore."

"You know, I'm not even gonna get into what all that says about you, man."

Joker chuckled, then abruptly stopped as EDI exited the examination room, followed by the C-Sec technician. "She checks out, sir," the tech said. "Everything up to spec. Enjoy your stay."

Joker waited for the Turian to get out of earshot then whispered to EDI, "We got lucky, there. Those guys actually know what they're looking for."

She smiled. "Which is why I did not let them find it."

_How__... _"Fine, keep your little secrets. But c'mon, I'm ready to grab some lunch. There's supposed to be a little place on the Presidium that still has some good stuff in stock..."

* * *

Kaidan was seated out in the patient lounge when she entered, chatting with Thane who sat in the chair beside him. Thane had mentioned that they'd talked, but she still hadn't really expected this. And she couldn't avoid that paranoid thought that they were talking about her. Nonetheless, she approached and put a hand on the back of Kaidan's chair. "You're looking better," she said, smiling.

Thane looked over at her knowingly and stood up. "I should go." He slipped away quietly before she could say anything.

"Hey, Shepard," Kaidan said, nodding to greet her. He really was looking much better. The bruises had faded from his face and neck, and now his whiskey-brown eyes looked back at her brightly, the upturned corner of his mouth briefly reminding her of the first day she'd met him, over three years ago. She let her eyes linger on his day-old stubble, the tiny scar on his lower lip, the smattering of gray at his temples- such tiny things and yet she was entranced. It was only when she felt her hands getting warm that she remembered the coffees she brought in with her. She handed one to him, smiling. "If hospital coffee's anything like ship coffee, this'll be a treat for both of us."

He took the cup and got up to stand beside her. "Thanks, Shepard. I'm glad you dropped back in." He returned her smile. "It's been a hell of a week, hasn't it?"

She was struck by the degree of the understatement and began to giggle, then found herself laughing out loud, grateful in that moment for the release. He turned and cupped her face in his warm hand. "I've missed hearing you laugh." His words, combined with the longing look in his eyes, made her stop short. "I've missed you."

She sipped her coffee as she went to stand by the large window overlooking the Presidium. She breathed deeply. "I've missed you, too." _It's been a long year, _she wanted to add, but that would be breaking the promise she'd made to herself. Horizon was behind them.

Of course, she hadn't told him that. "That's good to hear, Shepard. I was afraid- I don't want... things... to come between us anymore. And whatever it takes to make that happen..."

She shook her head. "Don't worry. It's done." He looked at her curiously. "It happened. It's over now. And I'm willing to move past it if you are."

He set his cup down and took her hand in his. "That's it?" She nodded. "Then, yes, absolutely."

Shepard let herself be drawn into his embrace as she felt all the emotion she'd been holding on to for the past year wash away. The aftermath of their encounter on Horizon, the furious hunt for the Collectors, the long months of incarceration; suddenly everything seemed irrelevant except for...

"What if it's all for nothing?"

"Hmm?" He looked up, startled. She realized she'd completely changed the subject on him.

"The Crucible. We don't know how it works, we don't know what it does, and we're not even sure how to finish building it. But we're throwing all our resources into it, minds, materials, everything. All I'm even doing out here is trying to buy us time. And as much as I hate that, we're completely right to be doing it. We didn't prepare; we squandered away any chance we might have had to take the Reapers in a straight fight. So now we're depending on this thing, and what if it doesn't even work? What if we can't use it? What if-"

"Shh. Then you'll find another way."

"But-"

"It's what you do." He ran his fingers through her hair. "I believe in you."

She'd heard the sentiment, if not the words, a hundred times; from Anderson, from Hackett, from Thane and Garrus and Eve. But hearing it from Kaidan was different. When he said that, he wasn't talking about what she represented. He was talking about her.

_He was in her room. She wasn't sure how he had gotten there, or what had possessed him to come there in the first place, but he stood there beside her desk as she worked. She set down the datapad she was idly examining and looked up at him. "Couldn't you sleep, either, Alenko?"_

_He shrugged. "I guess not. Do you have a few minutes, Commander?"_

_She wasn't sure how to respond. All she could think was that he shouldn't be in her quarters uninvited. And she shouldn't be wanting him there. She stood and turned away from him as she considered her words. "You shouldn't call me that," she finally decided on. "I shouldn't even be wearing this uniform." And she sure as hell shouldn't be thinking about how he might get her out of it. She cursed her brain for even going there._

"_You did what you had to, Shepard. You always do. And, hell, if we don't pull this off I guess it won't really matter. But I didn't come here to talk about that; we both know what's at stake. And right now, none of that matters. Everything else, including the Reapers, is gonna come around again." He took her hand, turned her to face him. "What matters, Shepard, is you and me. Right here."_

_She tried to fight it in spite of herself. "You and me?" she spat. What was he looking for, exactly? Did he really want what he thought he wanted? "Who's you and me?" she continued. "The Lieutenant and his CO? The soldier and the war hero?"_

_His hesitation as he considered his answer was what truly won her over. She needed to know that he was being completely honest with her, and he really seemed to understand how important that was. Finally, he responded. "No," he said simply, shaking his head, "just you and me, 'Lis."_

_And that final word was what sealed it. She found herself gently pressing her lips against his as she tried to remember the last time someone other than her parents had used her given name. Before Elysium, probably. She'd been nothing but Shepard for years. "Then why me?" Her tone wasn't accusatory any more, simply curious._

"_You're brave, compassionate, beautiful," he smiled, "emotional. You're so... alive." She'd heard the words before, but never in quite that tone. She suddenly felt ready for whatever Ilos wanted to throw at her. "Look, don't get me wrong, I know we've got a big job tomorrow, and you've got every right to toss me out of here. But before everything goes to hell tomorrow, I just wanted you to know how much I've enjoyed serving under you._

_She looked at him wryly. He could not give her a setup like that and think she wasn't going to take advantage of it. "I don't think I've had the pleasure of you serving under me, Lieutenant. We should do something about that." At the panicked look on his face, she almost felt sorry for him. But he'd brought it on himself. She kissed him again, deeper this time, and dragged him onto the bed with her._

Reluctantly, she released herself from his embrace. "Thank you," she said, softly. He didn't answer. "Hey," she squeezed his hand gently, "how are you holding up?"

He shrugged. "Hard to say. It's not easy, seeing something like that happen to your home."

She cursed at herself. She'd completely forgotten. "You grew up in Vancouver, didn't you? What about your folks, have you heard anything?"

"Got a text from my mom last night. They got out of the city; made it to their orchard inland." His face fell. "My dad went back to fight. She's alone out there, now. I just wish I could be there with her."

Shepard reached out and took his hand in hers. She really was an ass. A self-indulgent, self-pitying... "How's she doing? You got any other family around there?"

"She's managing. Dad got her set up as best he could, stocked with supplies, set her up with basic comm access as long as it's available. But she still doesn't know if any of the neighbors made it out there, and my sister's clear across the continent, in Boston. Neither of us has been able to reach her; I just hope she managed to get out, too."

They stayed there together for nearly an hour, catching up while trying to avoid touchy subjects, seeming like nothing more than two old friends who'd been out of touch for a while. He told her about his missing commando unit; she told him about Mordin and Eve and the pending genophage cure. They tried to move on to lighter fare, but it fell flat. She was sure things would get better when he was back-

"Kaidan," she asked with sudden realization, "will you be coming back to the Normandy?"

He shrugged. "Depends where they need me. For now, I'm hoping to spend some time tracking down my squad; I'd love to come back, though."

"We'd be happy to have you. It-" Her omni-tool beeped. "Son of a bitch! I swear I'm gonna smash..." she sighed as she checked the message. "It's Wrex. He's wanting my help with something or other. Talk to you later?" He nodded.

And despite the heavy tones of their conversation, she found herself grinning as she boarded the elevator.

* * *

At a small table in Apollo's cafe, Joker was grinning, too. This outing had gone as well as he could have expected. They'd gotten through the hard part, the screening, and now they were enjoying a meal.

And they had managed it without things getting weird.. Granted, EDI didn't eat, she was just sitting in the chair beside him while he finished his burger. And of course she had her conversational quirks. And he _had_needed to _bend_some laws for her to even be able to join him on the Citadel, but it was no worse than what they'd needed to do to keep her as the Normandy...okay, maybe it was a _little_weird. He was, to put it bluntly, dating a robot. The last refuge of sad, lonely losers who lived in their parents' basements playing Galaxy of Fantasy twelve hours a day.

Of course, he could have been one of them, he realized with a grimace. No one really would have blamed him. It just wasn't his style, though; lazing around, collecting a government check. No, he'd decided that if the universe didn't want him to walk, he'd just have to fly. And it had gone better than expected: his job, his ship, EDI. Yeah, with the exception of the rather glaring Reaper problem, things were going pretty well for him. _And fuck the Reapers, anyway._

"Y'know, I'm really glad we did this," he said to EDI, grinning.

"As am I. It's strange, though..." he nodded at her to continue, "Everyone seems so relaxed. I would expect them to be more worried, with the Reapers in Council space."

Joker shook his head. "Yeah, well, it's just how people cope, you know? They can't do anything about it, so they go see flicks, play games, gossip- doing whatever they can to ignore the Reapers til they're the ones under fire."

"What would you call this, then?"

"Are you kidding me? We're out there busting our asses to save theirs. I'd call this a well deserved..." A flash of brown hair caught his eye, and a familiar stride. "Hey EDI, maybe we should..." It was too late; they'd been spotted. Shepard was already approaching their table.

"What the hell is this? Was I speaking Latin or something? I said I didn't want it off the ship!" She paused. "How did you even get if off the ship?"

"_EDI__," _ he emphasized, "has been registered as my personal assistance mech. For the Vrolik's syndrome. She can go where I go."

"Personal..? So, what, she gives you piggyback rides through the Wards?"

_Not__cool__. _He shook his head slowly at her but didn't respond.

"Listen, I don't want that thing just roaming around. It is _not_EDI; it's a Cerberus creation-"

"So was EDI," Joker said, his teeth clenched now. "If you wanted to get technical about it, so are you." Shepard noticeably flinched. _Good, _Joker thought.

"I want it back on the ship, now. That's an order."

"Yes, ma'am," he muttered defiantly.

* * *

The door chime of her quarters aroused Shepard from her half-asleep stupor. She swung her legs down from the couch, tossed the datapad onto her bed, and half-heartedly plodded to the door as the chime sounded again.

"I'm coming," she grunted as she reached for the switch. The door slid open. "Joker!"

"Commander, I... I think we need to talk." He paused, then continued reluctanly, "It's about EDI."

As she'd expected. He straightened up from his spot leaning against the door frame and entered the room. She offered to help him down the steps to the couch area, but he waved her away. "Joker, look, I'm sorry," she offered as he settled onto the sofa.

He ignored her. "EDI really likes that body." She waited for him to continue; she wasn't ready to start another argument. "She's thinking she should give it up. I don't want her to have to do that." He hesitated again.

"Joker, not that you've ever needed it, but permission to speak freely. Spit it out."

"_That thing, _as you like to call it, has had every opportunity to fuck us over good, if it was going to. So check with Sam; see if there've been any unexpected transmissions. Check with Adams; see if we've had any unexplained systems issues. I'll let you ask them yourself if you want to, but I can tell you what they'll say: Nothing's happened since EDI's been in there. We're fine.

"I'll admit; I like EDI. I want her to be happy. But you _know _me. I wouldn't risk the Normandy for that. I wouldn't risk you," he coughed, "or any of the crew. I know you've gotta be shook up over what happened to Kaidan. But there's no one to blame for that except the fucking Illusive Man." He grinned. "And how sweet would that be if we could use his own creation to take him down? You know, just putting that one out there."

Joker leaned forward against the coffee table to pull himself out of his seat and started toward the door. And Shepard realized he was right. If the synthetic was capable of acting against them, it would have done so already. And now Kaidan was alive, and whole, and with any luck would be joining them shortly. She had a good ship, and a good crew, and she wasn't about to let the Illusive Man fuck that up. He wasn't going to get to her, not like this. "Hey, Joker," she called as the pilot palmed the door switch. He looked back over his shoulder. "Tell EDI to hit the armory and gear up. She's coming with us on Utukku."


	5. Chapter 5

"_Screw that! We can take care of ourselves. Go back and get Alenko!"_

_Ashley's voice rang in her helmet. She was on Virmire, somewhere between Ashley and a squad of geth, and Kaidan and another squad of geth. Seconds before, he'd told her he was arming the bomb. She cursed silently as she considered her options. If she went to the AA tower, they'd be taking off from there. The only way she'd make it back to the bomb site was if she went now. And looking at it that way, she realized there was no choice at all._

_After the briefest of pauses, she gave her orders. "Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site._

_He responded, hesitantly, "Yes, Commander. I..."_

_Ash cut him off. "You know it's the right choice, LT."_

_Shepard struggled to keep her voice even just a little longer and succeeded, barely. "I'm sorry, Ash."_

_And then she was moving, practically willing her way back to the bomb site, biotically tossing aside any geth that failed to succumb to her shotgun._

_And then she was on the Normandy, watching the explosion below as Joker sped away from the planet._

_And then she was back on the surface, in the crater that had once been Saren's base, Ashley's voice still ringing in her ears._

"_You know it was the right choice, Commander."_

"_Was it?" she addressed the disembodied voice._

"_You had a million reasons to go back for Alenko. Why should you have come back for me? To slake your conscience? You think you'd feel better right now if he'd died that day?"_

_She wasn't sure why she kept listening. This wasn't Ash. No, her own brain had decided to fuck with her. "That's not the point." _

"_And yet, here you are."_

_And there she was again, back at the bomb site, struggling to haul Kaidan aboard the Normandy. "Go! Go! Go!" she hollered as the hatch began to close. But she'd hesitated too long. The bomb was going off; it was too late to escape the explosion. She felt the rush of heat as the mushroom cloud enveloped them..._

Shepard jerked awake, kicking at the blankets that threatened to choke her. Sweat soaked her clothes and hair, and the cool air of her cabin was a sweet relief. It had been a long time since Ash had invaded her dreams and she had a pretty good idea how she had gotten there. The call fron the Dalatrass last night had been a surprise, even if it shouldn't have been.

The shower managed to wash away the sweat, but it wasn't doing anything for her state of mind. It had been one thingto abandon a council who'd opposed her at every turn, to blow up a station full of geth she'd never met. Now she was being asked to betray a friend. And, she realized, to ensure the crucible project was successful, to protect them from annihilation, she might just do it. She would do for the galaxy what she couldn't do for Ash. When the alternative was annihilation, a lot of things started to seem acceptable.

No, she wouldn't be going back to sleep anytime soon. She quickly threw some clothes on and slunk down to the mess for a cup of coffee.

It was nearly deserted at this hour, but not quite. A lone Turian sat at the table, his head bent over a cup of grayish-white liquid. She poured herself a cup of coffee and sat across from him. "Hey, Garrus."

He looked up as she sipped her beverage slowly. "It's early. Trouble sleeping?"

She focused intently on her cup. "I didn't come here for an interrogation."

"Well, now I know something's wrong." Now she did lift her head to look at him, narrowing her eyes. "Otherwise you'd be bitching about the coffee, not the conversation."

She shook her head. "You're an ass, Vakarian."

He cocked his head. "You wouldn't want it any other way."

She tried to formulate a witty retort, but he was right. It was far too early. So she just held her tongue. Maybe if she ignored him long enough he'd-

"And I'm not going to just leave you to sulk in peace, so you might as well talk."

It was revenge, she realized. She was sure of it. After all the times she'd invaded his space, tried to get him to open up: about his father, about C-Sec, about Sidonis and his team on Omega, he wasn't going to let up until she spilled something in return. "I saw Ash," she began quietly, "back on Virmire." She shook her head. "I haven't thought about Virmire in ages."

"You made a tough call there. Sounds like you're about to make another one."

She raised her eyebrows. "Garrus Vakarian. Expert Reaper Analyst. Amateur shrink?"

"You don't think I've had my share of bad dreams?"

She grew quiet. "You know, I tried to convince myself that I went back for Kaidan because he was the senior officer, or because his skills were more valuable, or so I could make sure the geth didn't disarm the bomb. But did I really? And if I did, does that make it any better, knowing that I left Ash to die because she just wasn't important enough?"

"This isn't about Virmire, is it?" She remained silent. "It's just one of those things. That ruthless calculus of war. The horrible things we do to prevent a greater tragedy. I was there, Shepard. You had to make a split second decision and why you did it, well, it doesn't change the facts. Everything you've done, has been to save as many people as possible. And I think you've got the equations figured out."

"And if I don't know all the variables?" Like how much did they really need the Salarians, and would they lose the Krogan in the process.

"Then what does your gut tell you?"

She tried to laugh it off. "So are the Turians practicing intuition-based mathematics now?"

"I mean it, Shepard. You'll do the right thing."

She shook her head. He didn't know. He couldn't. If she did what she thought was right... "Garrus?" He looked up. "Get some rest. We rendezvous with Kirrahe's team in..." she checked the time on her omni-tool, "...four hours."

"Yes, ma'am!" he responded enthusiastically.

She looked over her shoulder as she headed toward the elevator. "You are _such _an ass."

* * *

Kaidan, omni-tool blinking, hurriedly scanned the docking bay terminal for anything he could trace back to the Hanar diplomats on the Citadel. Two weeks of Spectre access and he still hadn't come across any news about his squad; however, he'd had ample occasion to familiarize himself with the computer and security systems of the Citadel.

"Nothing here except a message to his... _mistress?_" Kaidan shook his head. "What else do you have?" He accepted the next transmission and hurried down the corridor. The Salarian he was working with, Jondum Bau, had been unofficially overseeing Kaidan's introduction to the Spectres. He'd gotten an idea of what it entailed from working with Shepard of course, but she tended to exercise her Spectre privileges more forcefully than he preferred.

Being able to let himself loose in the Citadel's systems was refreshing in a way. He'd gotten a taste of it three years ago, helping Shepard trace a rogue AI through the Citadel. Compared to that, having access to Spectre codes and systems almost made it too easy. Shepard could have used hers, of course, but she couldn't hack her way out of a paper sack and it had been quicker for him to manage it on his own.

But now, he could see just how deep and complex the Citadel's computer systems were. He shouldn't really have been surprised after they'd learned on Ilos just how impossibly old this place was, and what it could do. He wondered what other secrets were lurking here, in this maze of circuits and signals.

Speaking of signals, he opened a secure channel to Bau. "I think I might have something. See what this name pulls up..."

* * *

Shepard idly checked her weapons as the tomkah rumbled it's way across Tuchanka's surface. Mordin was chatting animatedly with Eve while Wrex grunted and watched the shattered landscape roll by. Her talk with Garrus in the wee hours of the morning hadn't done much for her state of mind. Neither had the cryptic text message she'd sent Kaidan afterward. She really wished she hadn't sent that; it probably made her sound a bit crazy. _Ugh. Everything on track a day ago. Now I don't know. It went and got all fuzzy, y'know? Fucking Salarians. _Yeah, she definitely sounded crazy. Not that she was sure she wasn't at this point.

"Everything okay, Commander?" She'd almost forgotten about Kirrahe in the seat facing hers.

She shrugged and gave a half-hearted smile. "Just hoping we can pull this off. That Reaper kinda threw a wrench into things."

"Reapers tend to do that."

_They're not the only ones. _"Have you talked to your other STG guys? You're sure they're with us, regardless?"

"We're soldiers, Shepard. I can't say how all this will turn out in the long run," he waved his hand toward the Krogan at the front of the truck, "but I know that scoring political points doesn't matter if we're all dead. I saw what the Reapers can do on Virmire. They need to be stopped. We can worry about the rest of it later."

Suddenly she felt herself thrown forward as the truck jerked to a stop. "What the hell was that?"

* * *

"_I am a vision of the future, Shepard. The evolution of all organic life. This is our destiny. Join Sovereign and experience a true rebirth." Saren's voice rang out over the Citadel's central chamber. Kaidan glanced across the stairway at Shepard, but she wasn't making a move yet. Still just trying to keep Saren talking. _

"_Sovereign hasn't won yet. I can stop it from taking control of the station. Step aside and the invasion will never happen." He knew what she was doing; trying to break through the indoctrination for a moment, like she had with Benezia. Trying to make him see reason for just long enough to mitigate his defenses. The goal was sound, but he was keenly aware that their time was limited; they had to get that file uploaded before Sovereign could interface with the Citadel._

"_We can't stop it! Not forever. You saw the visions. You saw what happened to the Protheans. The Reapers are too powerful." He wasn't going to budge. Kaidan caught Shepard's eye, then jerked his head toward Saren. They were going to have to fight._

_Shepard shook her head; she was having none of it. She was so damn stubborn. "Some part of you must still realize this is wrong. You can fight this!"_

_And it seemed to pay off. "Maybe you're right. Maybe there still is a chance for-UGH!" At Saren's grunt, Kaidan poked his head out to look up at the platform, watching the Turian struggle for control of himself. "The implants... Sovereign is too strong. I'm sorry. It's too late for me." Damnit! It had been a good effort, but they'd have to fight. He stood and activated his Barrier. _

_Shepard was standing now as well. "It's not over yet. You can still redeem yourself!" She refused to give up, even as she prepared for the inevitable. _

_And to Kaidan's surprise, Saren then lifted his gun and held it to his jaw. "Goodbye, Shepard. Thank you." He fired._

Even now, Kaidan shuddered at the memory. It shouldn't have affected him as much as it did. After all, the fear of losing his mind was something he'd lived with for years. But to lose one's will completely, yet at the same time remaining keenly aware of it... well, he could understand Saren's gratitude.

He only hoped he could do the same here. They might still have a chance to resolve this relatively peacefully. He had to admit, at the time he hadn't expected Shepard to be able to get through to Saren. After their previous encounters, the Turian appeared to be too far gone. Of course, Shepard, seemingly through sheer force of will, had found that shred of Saren's mind that was still self-aware.

He had his work cut out for him, though. He lacked Shepard's forceful personality, along with any understanding of Hanar psychology. He was stuck trying to poke holes in the Hanar's logic. Unfortunately, with as flimsy as that logic was, it didn't look like the Reapers had needed to try very hard to hook the Hanar.

"Confinement is irrelevant," the Hanar was saying. "The works of the Enkindlers cannot be stopped."

"Enkindlers. The Protheans. But you're working with the Reapers. They slaughtered the Protheans; wiped them out."

"No, the Enkindlers alone were spared. They were uplifted to become the Collectors. They serve the Reapers now, and so must we."

Kaidan might have doubted this, but he'd seen Shepard's reports on the Collector mission and knew that there was a foundation of truth in the Hanar's words. But it was a half-truth at best. "The Reapers enslaved them. You're under no obligation to follow that path."

"The Enkindlers serve the Reapers. The Hanar serve the Enkindlers."

This was hopeless. "Not anymore. This is over."

"It won't matter. Our planetary defenses are largely automated. They can be disabled by a simple virus... which I have just uploaded."

"Damnit!" Kaidan turned to see the Salarian, Bau, with his omni-tool already active, trying to block the transmission. He didn't get much time though, as the Hanar's guard came up behind him and put an arm around his throat.

"Forget me," choked Bau. "Kahje- stop the signal..."

Kaidan hurried to the offices other terminal to do that, but on the way he Lifted the guard, pulling him away from Bau and releasing him in midair. He slid into the chair in front of the terminal, his fingers already flying across the keypad. "There!" he shouted, and entered a command. "Got it!"

As he came down from his adrenaline high, Kaidan surveyed the room. Bau was in the process of restraining the Hanar, so Kaidan turned his attention to the guard on the floor, searching the neck for a pulse. "He's alive," he called to Bau as the Salarian walked over. "Gonna have a nasty headache though," he added, recalling the one he'd awoken with not ten days ago.

"I hate to say it, but it might've been kinder if he wasn't."

"So you think he was indoctrinated as well."

Bau nodded. "It's impossible to say for sure without observation, but likely. The highest priority targets would be military and political leaders, but of course controlling those around them would make the Reapers' job much easier." Kaidan nodded grimly. "Come on; we should get these two back to headquarters."

* * *

Shepard burst forward, Charging through the heavily armored brutes that stood between her and the second hammer control. Glancing over her shoulder to make sure they weren't too close behind her, she activated the hammer, then turned back to worry about the brutes again. She didn't need to, she realized, as she watched Garrus nail one in the head with a concussive shot from his rifle and Kirrahe pump two exploding rounds from his pistol into the other.

So she turned her attention to the Reaper, hoping that Kalros would, in fact, turn its attention to it instead of them. She wasn't disappointed. The huge maw burst up through the sand, seemingly enveloping the Reaper all at once, dragging it underground almost as quickly as it had appeared. She opened up a comm link. "That's it! We're clear!"

Shepard looked up at the shroud as she and Mordin approached it. The tower was crumbling right in front of them. Whatever they were doing here, it would have to be quick. And she still didn't know what she should do about the genophage.

"Hmm," Mordin considered. "Temperature settings not right. Need to reach controls inside shroud; make adjustments to ensure success of cure."

_Wait__, __is__he__... _"Mordin, you can't! That thing's coming down any minute. Look, you're right, your people sabotaged the shroud to prevent it being used for a genophage cure."

He nodded. "Yes. They did. How did you know?"

"The dalatrass offered Salarian help with the crucible. She offered their fleets to help us retake Earth. As long as we don't go through with the cure. We can just leave it as it is; no one needs to know."

Mordin stepped away from her, shaking his head. "No. Have to do this, Shepard."

"Why?" She knew the answer, that he could finally have the redemption he'd sought after for years, that he'd never realized he'd been seeking before meeting her. That didn't stop her from pressing on. "You always defended the genophage, defended your work on it. I had to talk you into saving Maelon's data..."

"I made a mistake!" She'd never heard him raise his voice before, and even though the change in volume was minimal, it stopped her in her tracks. "Have to do this, Shepard," he repeated, "Stop me if you must."

"I-" She again recalled her discussion with Garrus. _What does your gut tell you?_

It told her that they were making good progress with the Crucible on their own. That by all accounts the plans were well detailed, and that by her own experience the Prothean scientists had known what they were doing. That the Salarians would come around when it became painfully obvious their very survival was on the line. And ultimately, that she'd been lucky not to lose two friends on Virmire that day, and she needed Wrex on her side. She needed allies she could trust. She needed people who understood the need to unite.

"Mordin, go. I just... I wish it didn't have to be this way."

He smiled sadly as he entered the elevator and turned to face her. "My project. My work. My cure. My responsibility... Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong."

She looked down, not wanting to see him go, but not ready to leave either. Moments later, she heard a voice behind her. "Commander," it was Kirrahe. "I know. But we need to go." She nodded, then turned and walked away. And as exhausted as she was by the day's events, she found herself dreading sleep, knowing that Mordin would be joining Ashley in her dreams.


	6. Interlude

**~Interlude: Before the Storm~**

Major Kirrahe sighed as he affixed the plaque to the Normandy's memorial. Lowering his head, he stepped back and put a hand to his face. He wished his scouting team had been more thorough. He wished they'd been able to discover the extent of the sabotage. Of course, he realized, it still would have been too late to matter. It wouldn't have changed what needed to be done.

He suddenly found himself understanding Shepard's disdain for the whole political process. It wasn't something he'd had much cause to consider before. He was a soldier. They told him where to fight and he fought. But now there was a greater threat than the Krogan. A greater threat than any they had known. He had a duty to defend his people, and he would do it.

He had to wonder how Mordin would be remembered. The Krogan, of course, would hail him as a hero if the cure worked as it should. Would their own people still paint him as a traitor in the end? Privately, Kirrahe found himself wondering if there would be anyone left to remember. But he planned to do his part to ensure there would be.

With that he continued down the corridor to the observation room on the now-quiet ship. He had people to contact, plans to make. If STG was going to go rogue and follow Shepard, he had work to do.

* * *

Matt Tyler idly scanned the available frequencies for what he decided would be the last time that night, hoping that he would manage to find one he could get a message out on. They hadn't been able to manage any communication off-planet since the Reapers hit. He set the scanner to alert him as he looked out at Major Alenko's squad. No, he reminded himself for seemingly the hundredth time, _his _squad.

"I hope we manage to get through to him directly," Michelle piped up. "Just to make sure he actually gets it." Yeah, they'd gone through this about a hundred times, too.

"Yeah, Shelley, we all know you don't have an ulterior motive there." Gary ribbed gently. "Oh, those eyes, that voice," he continued in a falsetto voice.

She punched him in the arm. "You're such a jerk. And it's not like I'm the only one." She winked knowingly at Matt.

"Please," he laughed. "He could almost be my father!"

"Oh, c'mon, he's not that old."

No, he wasn't, Matt mused. But that wasn't really what he'd meant, either. Major Alenko was his commanding officer, or at least had been. There would never be anything else there. Beyond that, the man was his teacher, his mentor; he was handsome, no doubt, and Matt certainly admired him, but... well, maybe Shelley had a point. But still, he saw no point in going down that path.

"Hey, I think he's getting something!"

The voice jolted his attention back to the screen, and his jaw nearly dropped to see Major Alenko's face materialize in front of him. "Tyler?" The major seemed as surprised as he was. And damn if that smile shouldn't be illegal.

"Major- I-" he checked the channel, "but this says... Spectre Headquarters?" Alenko nodded. "But that means... Congratulations, sir."

He smiled again. "Thanks, Tyler. But.. wow, I never expected to... Is everyone okay? Are you safe?"

"Everyone present and accounted for sir. And as safe as can be expected." Alenko nodded, waiting for details. "We were en route to Vancouver from New York when the Reapers hit. Went down near Chicago. Haven't seen much action, yet, though. Mostly just funneling civilians out of the city."

"You guys'll have all the action you can stand soon enough." No more smiles now, the Major was deadly serious. "You're doing a good thing there; keep it up and keep doing what needs to be done."

"Of- of course, sir," Tyler stammered, hoping the Major didn't think he was complaining. But as he said it he noticed the screen was blank. The connection had been lost.

* * *

Admiral Hackett looked up at the woman entering his office. "Hannah," he nodded, "have a seat."

She did so, and looked at him pointedly. "Anything new?"

"Hannah, you know I shouldn't be doing this."

"She's my daughter, Steven. You kept her in custody for months and then threw her straight into the fire. It's not right. She shouldn't have to shoulder all this on her own."

Hackett leaned back in his chair and sighed. She was absolutely right, but yet... "Hannah, I hate having to lean so heavily on anyone. But she's proven herself time and again. I can't think of anyone who commands more respect. If I had anyone else I really trusted to do this... hell, I don't know if there's anyone else who _could__._"

Hannah lowered her eyes. "I know."

Hackett sighed. "Hannah, I think we can do without you for a couple days. She should be heading back the Citadel shortly; go see her. I hope it'll help. I _will _do what I can to make this easier on her."

She nodded. "Thank you, sir."

* * *

Ben Alenko poked his head out from cover and scanned the area. "It's clear. Let's move."

There were six of them in the group. Two were actual military; they took point. The husband and wife followed, leaving Ben and Andrew to take up the rear. Andrew was seventeen, just a kid; his parents had been killed in the initial attack. He'd joined up with their group about a week ago, when they'd tried to escort him out of the city. He wanted to fight, he'd said, and had been surprisingly competent so far.

Ben couldn't blame him. It was why he'd returned to the city in the first place. There was too much on the line to just wait it out. Still, he couldn't help feeling a pang of guilt for leaving Cathy behind. He knew she'd be safe for now; every indication was that the Reapers were focusing on the major cities, leaving more rural areas alone for the time being. And she'd understood, even if she wasn't enthusiastic about it. She'd accepted it, in her quiet way. She and Kaidan had always had that in common.

Maybe that was why he'd taken to Andrew so well. The kid was quiet, but eager, a lot like Kaidan had been before they'd taken him to that place, and done whatever it was they did. Before he'd come back and Ben discovered he barely knew his son anymore. He'd been broken; and though it had faded as he watched Kaidan enlist in the military and have a successful career, Ben never quite shook the feeling that he should have been able to protect him. That he should have taken his family, run, hidden, done something to stop it.

They had stopped now, taking cover behind a ruined skyscraper. Simmons, one of the marines, peered around the corner of the building. "Got a group at ten o'clock. 'Bout a half dozen husks. Two of the big guys. Looks like four of the uglies. Preparing to engage"

"Ain't they all ugly?" Andrew joked.

Ben smiled but shook his head. "Pay attention, kid." They drew their weapons and opened fire.

"Got 'em!" Simmons called as the smoke cleared. "Looks like we're g-" he was cut off by the sound of a Reaper's horn, that loud thrumming, more vibration than noise. Ben could feel it in the marrow of his bones.

"Run!" They took off, finding cover where they could, but the ground was uneven and Ben felt himself losing his footing. He pushed Andrew ahead of him as he stumbled. Nearly breathless, he tried to get up, but when he looked up all he saw was red...

* * *

Udina frowned as he sank into his office chair. It had really come to this. They hadn't planned to act so soon; they'd hoped to wait until the device was ready. But that damned Salarian was getting too close. And above all Udina had to save face; the Illusive Man needed someone on the inside who could be trusted if they were going to save Earth. That was, after all, their top priority.

Still, he found himself wondering if Shepard might have the right idea. Udina knew little about the device itself, after all. Maybe the Alliance plans for it would have a better chance at success. And the Illusive Man hadn't been inclined to provide him with much detail on his plan. Why hadn't he pressed him for more information? Why had he been so trusting? He should-

"Ugh!" A sharp pain in his skull broke Udina's train of thought. When it subsided, he found himself wondering what he had been thinking. Shepard's loyalties had been... questionable in the past. The Illusive Man had shown himself to have Earth's best interests at heart. Udina shook his head. Sadly, it really was the only way. He would be ready tomorrow to play his part.


	7. Chapter 7

Shepard quietly exited the shuttle and hurried forward to take cover behind a nearby wall. Peering out around the edge of the doorway, she listened intently for any sign that she'd been spotted. In the continued silence, finally convinced that their presence was a secret, she motioned for the rest of the squad to join her; one by one, they followed.

Things had looked bad flying in; the Presidium was crawling with Cerberus. C-Sec headquarters would be the best place to mount a defense, but they'd only been able to get so close in the shuttle. They'd have to fight the rest of the way there. That said, looking at her team, she didn't think that would be much of a problem.

"Well, we've got the element of surprise, but we won't have it for long. I'd estimate they've got at least twenty troops in there. Garrus, Kirrahe, you've both got range, go in first but stay back and out of sight. Try to take out their snipers. At the count of five, the rest of us will head in and take the center. Ready?" They all nodded. "Go!" Kirrahe and Garrus raced in while Shepard counted. "...three... four... FIVE! GO!"

Her two snipers were already hard at work, even stripping shields in between shots. Good, anything to take the bastards down a little quicker. She Charged the nearest group of Cerberus troops, finishing any that were still standing with a blast from her shotgun. She heard a loud blast and a war-whoop to her left as James took out another group with a set of explosive rounds. She looked ahead of her to see a pair of Cerberus guardians approaching them. Damn, those shields pissed her off.

"Liara, paint me a target," she said, pointing at the guardians. Shepard smiled as the Singularity materialized between them. She lifted her arm and pulled it back, Charging at the center of the Singularity. For a moment, she saw white; then slowly everything returned to normal.

"That's all of them, Shepard," Garrus shouted as she took a moment to catch her breath. Her innate barrier kept her protected from the explosion of biotic energy that had taken out the guardians, but the maneuver always managed to knock the wind out of her. As her breathing finally steadied, she hurried up the stairs at the end of the room.

"Bailey, are you all right?" she asked, crouching beside the C-Sec commander. He'd been shot; he was clutching the wound and his breathing was shallow.

"I'll manage," he groaned as he struggled to stand.

Shepard shook her head. "You're injured. Stay put." Before he could protest, she added, "At least let me put some medigel on it. What the hell happened here?" she continued as she fell into the familiar ritual of battlefield first aid.

"Took a bullet trying to get back into headquarters. Cerberus took it in the first push. I'll know more once we're inside." As the medigel sealed the wound, Shepard saw the color start to return to Bailey's face. He stood and punched in the code to open the door. Inside, he seated himself and the main terminal and set to work. "Need to set up a private comm channel. They took over our existing ones; we're flying blind out there... here we go." He transmitted the frequency to them and Shepard's earpiece came alive with chatter. She quickly lowered the volume.

"What about the council?" Kirrahe asked.

"Last I heard they were splitting up," replied Bailey. "As for now- hm, what's this? Looks like Councilor Esheel was supposed to meet with the Executor this morning. I'd say something big was about to go down."

"Esheel," Garrus mused, "she had mentioned Udina, but... "

"Bastard!" Shepard said through clenched teeth. "Still, I'd have never guessed he'd go this far. He has to know..." But of course that hadn't meant much so far. Udina, the Illusive Man, the Dalatrass, they _knew_ by now the threat the Reapers posed. Yet they were still caught up in their own personal issues, refusing to see the big picture. Shepard sighed. _Maybe __we __deserve __to __be __wiped __out__, _she considered cynically.

"I'd head for the executor's office if I were you," Bailey said. "You might still find them there if you hurry."

Shepard nodded. "Let's go."

* * *

Shepard looked out through the window of the Executor's office, scanning the plaza below for any sign of the Salarian councilor. Out of the corner of her eye she caught the shimmer of a tactical cloak disengaging. She turned toward it to see the Salarian councilor standing from behind a desk.

"I found her," she commed to Bailey. "She appears to be unharmed...wait." Another figure approached the Salarian from behind. "Shit!" There was no time to waste; she fired two shots at the window, shattering the glass, and jumped down to the lower level. "Hold it right there," she commanded the assassin.

"Shepard," said the councilor, "he's going to kill us all. Udina's with the other councilor's. He's going to hand them over to Cerberus."

Shepard shook her head. "We'll see about that." She turned to address the assassin. "It's five-to-one. You're outnumbered. It's over."

"No," he hissed. "Now it's fun."

The space around it began to crackle and glow as energy built up around his outstretched hand. _Biotic? Yeah, well, you're still outnumbered._ She was moving closer to the councilor to try to put up a barrier when she heard the sound of footsteps running toward them. She looked up to see Thane Krios drawing a pistol. The human assassin immediately turned his attention to the Drell.

Shepard raised her pistol, trying to line up a shot through the scope, but they were moving to quickly, and Thane was too close. _Damn! _She was about to turn her attention back to the councilor when the assassin drew a sword. She blinked. _Really?_

"You have _got_ to be shittin' me." Hearing Vega echo her thought finally drew her away from the fight. Scanning the room, though, she saw no sign of the councilor. As she noticed that Kirrahe was missing as well, she heard his voice in her ear.

"_Shepard, I have the councilor. We're on our way to meet up with Commander Bailey."_

"Acknowledged." She commed Bailey to inform him of the fact, then looked back up, as the assassin thrust his sword into Thane's gut. She chased him as he ran, shooting wildly, but he had boarded a waiting taxi before she could get close. She turned to see Thane behind her, struggling to remain upright, his own gun still pointed at the assassin.

"Sorry... Shepard."

"Thane," she knelt beside him as he slid to the floor. _ Damnit! _She needed to stop the assassin before he could get to the rest of the council, but...

"I'll stay with him," said Liara, settling down beside them. "Go."

* * *

THUNK! Something had hit the top of the elevator car just above Kaidan's head, and he willed it to go faster. He'd been so worried about whether they'd have a clear shot to the shuttle from the elevator that he hadn't considered that Cerberus might catch up from the other side. Now for all he knew they were about to come in on top of them. And right now he was a sitting duck.

Finally the doors slid open. He motioned the councilors to exit in front of him, then took one more look above before following at a run. The threat from behind hadn't materialized, the way ahead looked clear, they were almost home free... He saw the smoke first. The shuttle was in flames. "Damnit!" He took just a moment to consider his options. They were cut off if they stayed here. They really only had one chance. "Okay, everyone, back to the elevator." He turned back around in time to see Shepard burst through the door and seal it behind her.

She raised her gun and pointed it at- no, past him. One escape route was destroyed, the other cut off, and the woman he loved stood between him and his duty. This couldn't be happening, he tried to convince himself. There had to be an explanation. "Shepard, what's going on?"

"She's trying to block our escape," said Udina. "She's with Cerberus." No, she couldn't be. She'd left them after the Collectors were destroyed. She said she'd had no contact. She wouldn't do this. Would she?

"He's lying, Kaidan. I can explain this."

"Can you? Because it doesn't look too good from where I'm standing." He only hoped that she could, that somehow this was all a misunderstanding. Because if he'd been wrong about her again, if he ended up having to do the unthinkable and take her out, he wasn't sure if he'd even be able to trust himself ever again.

"Kaidan," she said, "I don't have time to argue with you. There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind me. If you open that door they'll kill us all."

"Don't listen to her, Major. She's indoctrinated. Isn't it obvious? It's what the Reapers do. Find someone trusted, respected, _loved_. And then count on people's loyalties to protect them. She'd be their ideal candidate."

As he spoke, Shepard lowered her weapon, and for the first time since she'd stepped off the elevator, he saw the fear in her eyes. Not the fear of discovery, but the same fear he'd seen in Rahna's eyes almost twenty years ago. The fear of being unable to trust the person she most depended on, the fear of having nowhere else to turn. "Please, Kaidan. It's me. You know it's me."

He did know. He'd known it from the softness of her lips on mars, the gentle touch of her hand in the hospital, the strength and determination in her gaze even now. But Udina still tried to convince him otherwise. "This is ridiculous," he said, approaching the remote console next to the shuttle. "That's what they do, Major. They'll say anything-"

"Yes," Kaidan said, turning to aim his pistol at the councilor. "They will. Step away from the console, now."

"To hell with this." Udina continued to punch in an override sequence. Kaidan began to move closer, but the Asari councilor got there first. She tried to move him away, but he shoved her to the ground and pointed a gun at her as he turned back to the console. It was too late to try anything else. Instinctively, Kaidan pulled the trigger.

A single shot dropped Udina to the ground as time suddenly returned to normal. He wondered if there had been any sign, anything he might have picked up on. After all, if Shepard had been... no, he wasn't ready to go down that road. Not now. Shepard was clearly still rattled; she'd nearly gone limp from relief. He tried to go to her, but stopped as he heard something cutting through the elevator door. They all pointed their weapons at the door as it was forced open. "Bailey," Shepard managed the greeting before Kaidan could.

"We took out the Cerberus troops in the elevator shaft behind you. The rest seem to be running scared."

"And the assassin?" Shepard was all business again. Kaidan couldn't help but admire how quickly she managed to shift her emotional state, how she could just push aside the pain and fear and be Commander Shepard again. He found himself envying her right now; he was still shaken. He waited for Shepard to finish her briefing with Bailey, but her hand immediately went to her ear as her comm lit up. "They did?" she murmured, nodding. "Does his son know? Okay... yeah." She took a deep breath and looked up, trying to avoid his eyes.

He wasn't going to let her. He'd had it with this forced distance between them. Yes, things had gotten... tense on Horizon. And they'd both let them stay that way; even when she'd visited him in the hospital and they'd tried to let things go back to normal, they'd had a wariness about each other, both of them unsure where they should pick up. But long before that there had been just the two of them, chasing after Saren and finding what comfort they could in each other along the way.

And if that was all they had left, well, as long as they _did _still have that, it would be enough. So he approached her. "Shepard, what is it?'

She spoke quickly. "Thane. He was injured protecting Councilor Esheel. There's... He's in bad shape."

There was no way that he could keep her there, now. They'd have to talk later. "I'll take care of this." He nodded toward Udina's body behind him. "Go on."


	8. Chapter 8

Kaidan decided to wait in the airlock, as he hadn't technically been invited aboard just yet. Sure, he probably could have gotten Joker to let him on, but he was the one person on that ship that made Kaidan feel almost as uneasy as Shepard did. Almost. Anyway, there was a part of him that felt sticking to protocol now might help make up for any past breaches. Not to mention possible future ones.

He was getting too far ahead of himself, though. He wasn't sure if Shepard would even want to talk to him right now, much less have him aboard the Normandy. Anything else was likely far off into the future, if it was there at all. He kept going over the events of the past few hours. He'd somehow managed to accuse her, _again, _of still having ties to Cerberus. After she'd denied it, repeatedly. After he'd _accepted _it.

The outer doors hissed open, and Shepard walked right past him. "Shepard!" he called. She looked up, surprised. She hadn't even seen him standing there; she stopped, but still didn't turn toward him. He approached her. "Are you all right?"

"Thane," was all she said.

He placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry."

She shrugged it away, but turned to face him, her jaw set. "We need to talk. About what happened back there."

"I know," he acknowledged.

She smiled, faintly, but it quickly disappeared. "So let's have it Kaidan. Whatever you're needing to say, say it."

"Shepard..."

"Stop it, Kaidan. You don't get to just say 'Shepard' to me in that- that _voice_- and think it's going to fix this. We tried acting like nothing happened; we tried just going back to where we were, and it ended with us holding each other at gunpoint. _Jesus, _Kaidan." She paused, taking a few deep breaths to try to collect herself, then continued, "We've got two choices, here. Either we go our separate ways, or we get everything out in the open, right here, right now. I _really_don't want to do the former, Kaidan, and I know you don't either. So let me have it, Kaidan. Everything you might have wanted to say to me, everything you couldn't bear to say to me, I need to hear it."

"I-" He should have expected this. Her outburst hadn't surprised him, exactly, but he hadn't planned to have this conversation right here, where anyone could walk by. "Couldn't we at least do this somewhere a little more private, Shepard?"

"No. You know what'll happen if we go someplace more private, and it's the exact thing that _can't happen _right now. So you either need to start talking, Kaidan, or you need to leave. Because I'm not doing this back-and-forth thing anymore."

He stood there, with his hands behind his back for a long moment. He glanced at the airlock door, pondering the choice, thinking about how easy it would be, here in the moment, to walk. Sure, he'd regret it, probably for the rest of his life, but with the Reapers around, who knew how long that would be, anyway. And that was when he knew he had to stay.

"Where do I start?"

"Horizon, I'd imagine. Unless there was something beforehand you think I should know."

Silence hung between them. "Shepard, I... I don't know."

"I'll refresh your memory, then. A year ago I woke up in a lab somewhere and was told I'd been dead for two years. I might not have believed it if I didn't _remember dying._ I needed to find whatever connections I could to that life, before. I _craved _it, Kaidan. If I didn't have Joker and Chakwas around I might've gone crazy right there. But bit by bit I was able to track people down, talk to them, and start to figure out who I was again.

"The whole time, though, the one person I really wanted to find was you. And you were the one person I didn't even have a clue how to contact. All I could get was 'classified'. And you know what, when I finally found out that you were in that colony, and that it had been attacked by Collectors, it scared the shit out of me. It drove me crazy; going into that place, searching for you. Afraid I wouldn't find you. Afraid I would.

"Then, suddenly, you were there. I knew you wouldn't be able to come with me; I never expected that. But at least you were there, and you were alive, and I could tell you how much I missed you. And you called me a traitor. Tali trusted me, Kaidan. Garrus trusted me. Even Anderson. But you- you're so _goddamn willing _to believe I'm taking orders from Cerberus"

Finally, he spoke. "I wanted to believe you, Shepard. I should have. You were there in front of me, like a dream I could never allow myself to have. But I was afraid. That if somehow I was wrong, and I lost you again, that I'd lose myself."

"So that's your escape clause. That idea that I could still be with Cerberus. So that if it turned out to be true, you could tell yourself you knew it all along."

"No. At least, not on purpose," he admitted. He wanted to grab her, hold her, but he knew she wouldn't allow it So he took a step closer. "Shepard, this afternoon, I was confused. Everything happened so fast. And when Udina said you were indoctrinated... it scared me Shepard. Imagining you, as a prisoner inside your own head. Imagining everything I've ever loved about you being a slave to the Reapers' will. The thought that I could lose you like that absolutely terrified me.

"But it also made me realize, no matter what uniform you wore, no matter who was signing your paychecks, you've never been anything but yourself. I don't think either of us could change what happened before, but I want to change things going forward."

"But what if it keeps happening?" The beginnings of tears glistened in her eyes. "I don't wanna face all this alone, Kaidan."

He took her hand. "And I won't let you."

* * *

The Alliance retrofit team had added the memorial wall here after they'd refinished the crew deck, as a way to honor the first Normandy and her lost crew members. Shepard had quickly expanded its scope to include any of her current and former crew members. She had wondered briefly how the brass would respond to the inclusion of her "Cerberus" crew members on the memorial, but she was the one walking past it every day, and she didn't think for a moment that Thane and Mordin were any less worthy of inclusion than Ash or Pressley.

Garrus was waiting for her when she stepped off the elevator. Wordlessly, he passed her the name plate. The Normandy's lights reflected faintly off the dull metal as she idly turned it over in her hands, finally stopping and allowing herself to look at the engraved letters: _Thane Krios. _Stoically, she affixed the name to the next empty space; she had said her goodbye, made her peace at the hospital, this was just... duty.

"I guess we got lucky that we only have to add one name here today."

Technically, he could have been talking about any of them. That was the risk they took, after all. But Shepard knew he meant Kaidan. She didn't say a word, just nodded.

"So, now what?" Garrus continued.

"We talked. He's coming with us." She shrugged. "Beyond that, I don't know."

"Are you okay with that?"

"I want him here," Shepard said confidently, her jaw rigid. "The rest doesn't matter. Sometimes I just wish we could do this without getting tossed into one situation after another."

"You think that's all this is? That the universe is just toying with you? To do what? Beat you into submission? Things don't just _happen _to you Shepard. You _make_ them happen. You bend the galaxy to your will."

"Is that what you think? I died, Garrus."

"You came back. And somehow you're stronger for it. In a way I think we all are, the people who- who really know you."

"Maybe." Garrus, Liara, Wrex, even Kaidan- they'd all changed since she'd first met them. They'd done well for themselves. But was it worth what they'd all had to suffer? "But I wish you'd never had to be."

"I thought I was supposed to be the pessimist around here."

Shepard sighed. "Fine. Just do me a favor and get Kaidan settled in whenever he shows up. I need a shower."

Shepard's Omni-tool beeped as she entered her quarters. She flipped it open to see the last face she'd expected. "Mom! I... ah... well, I thought they had things locked down pretty tight there."

Hannah Shepard shook her head. "It doesn't matter. I'm on the Citadel right now."

"Shit! Are you all right?" She shuddered to think what else might have happened.

"I'm fine, Elisa. I only just got in. I was actually hoping you might have a few minutes..."

She supposed it couldn't hurt. She might even be able to take her mind off most of the crap she'd been dealing with. At the very least she'd have someone she could talk to. "We're at bay D24. Give me half an hour?"

"Of course. I'll meet you there."

* * *

Half an hour later, Shepard strode through the CIC toward the front of the ship, not quite sure what she was hoping for. Maybe just one last little bit of normalcy before being thrown back into hell.

She stepped out of the airlock to find Hannah standing no more than six feet from the exit. She smiled and waved casually. "Hi, Mom."

"Sweetie!" Hannah embraced her daughter, holding her tight for several long moments. And for those moments she forgot herself, relishing the simple, unconditional human contact, suddenly aware of how much she'd _craved_it. "Are you okay?" she asked, breaking the hug but still gripping Shepard by the arms. "I saw what happened; that standoff's all over the news vids."

"Yeah, mom, I'm fine," she muttered uncomfortably. "But maybe this isn't the best place..."

"Nonsense, Elisa, you are neither too old nor too accomplished to need a little motherly affection."

"I know. But they don't." She motioned toward the crowded docking bay. "It's not about you, or me, it's about them. About upholding morale..."

"Stop that," Hannah ordered, in such a sudden shift to her 'military' voice that Shepard looked up in shock. "The whole galaxy is not watching you for its next cue. For the next hour, you are _not _Commander Shepard, understood?" Shepard could only nod slowly. "Good, now let's grab a bite to eat; I'm sure you haven't had dinner and I don't want you passing out on me while I'm here. Come on."

* * *

It was several hours and several drinks later before Shepard returned to the Normandy. As much as she wanted to head directly for her quarters, she decided she ought to make her typical round, and check on the crew. It had been a hell of a day for all of them.

She made it as far as the normally abandoned observation deck, where a lone figure leaned against the window. _Kaidan. Shit! _She'd specifically planned to avoid him for a while; despite what he'd said, and despite what she wanted, they both needed some time to get their heads on straight. She could have just left; he hadn't even responded to the door opening, but that very lack of awareness concerned her enough to speak up. "Kaidan? You okay?"

He responded without looking up. "I got some news. About my dad. It wasn't good." She began to inch closer. "He's MIA, Shepard." His breathing started to hitch. "He's presumed..."

Whatever he'd done, whatever she felt, she couldn't walk away from him now. She reached out and held him close. "Kaidan, I'm so sorry." She tried to ignore the scent of him, and the powerful effect it had on her. It was the one thing about him that hadn't changed a bit from the day he'd helped her up outside the Normandy SR-1's medbay, the first time she'd been so close...

Reluctantly, she let him go. She needed time; she needed space. She was here as a friend, to give him what he needed. To make sure he wasn't alone. She stretched out on the couch, her head propped up on one hand. "Tell me about him." He swallowed, but made no move to do so. "Please, Kaidan. It'll help, really."

He didn't move from the window. "Well, dad was really the one who got me interested in electronics. When I was a kid we'd go to thrift shops and garage sales, looking for old PCs and radios, just stuff to practice with..." She lay there, soothed by the gentle sound of his voice, watching the tension slowly evaporate from his face, until she drifted off to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Kaidan didn't accompany Shepard to the to the old Cerberus base in the Arrae system. He hadn't gone to the Asari monestary on Lessus with her either. He understood what she was doing-she was feeling him out, making sure the cycle of mistrust and anger wasn't going to start up again-but that didn't keep him from feeling bored, and useless.

Not that that he was doing nothing. He compiled Spectre reports, helped to scan systems for resources, assisted with repairs on disabled ships they came across until they were spaceworthy enough to make it back to the fleet. But he could do the reports from anywhere, and they had plenty of people who could operate a scanner or manage a repair project. In a way, it didn't matter; he was here, first and foremost, for Shepard. But he was beginning to wonder if she even really wanted him there.

"She needs time, Kaidan, that's all," Liara said to him as he cursed the project he was reviewing at her workbench for about the fiftieth time that day. One of his scanning sessions had turned up some intel for an amp mod, but he was having trouble getting his implant to play nice with the modified amp. If he could get this to work for him, he could go ahead and mod Shepard's amp as well; he'd found that if he could get a mod working with the L2, it would work with anything.

"Your presence here means something, even if it doesn't seem like it," she continued. "She's been more at peace lately than she was before you came back to the Normandy. More at peace than I've seen her in quite some time, in fact."

"Not sure if that makes me feel better or worse." He tried attaching the amp again. "Ouch, fuck!," he cried, the amp clattering to the ground as the shock ran through his nervous system. "Damnit!"

"Let me have a look at that," Liara said, picking up the amp. Kaidan nodded, still slightly numb from the shock. "What's done is done, Kaidan. All we can do is try to help her now. And you are." She handed him the amp. "The settings you had should be fine for Shepard, but they were drawing too much power from the L2 implant. Try this."

He took the amp and attached it, then activated his Barrier. He could feel the extra energy in his nervous system, supplementing his natural abilities without overloading them. The mod definitely seemed to be doing its job. "Thank you Liara. For your help with the amp and, ah..."

She smiled. "Of course, Kaidan."

* * *

He was nursing a quiet drink at the bar, considering what Liara had said, when he heard Shepard's voice over the intercom. "Heads up, guys, it's about to get a little cramped in here. Hang in there and we'll be dropping these folks off soon as we can get to the Citadel." He frowned. He had hoped for a chance to talk to Shepard, to try to feel out whether they'd made any progress since he'd come aboard. An influx of refugees would make any kind of privacy hard to come by. On the other hand, it would also make it a lot harder for Shepard to avoid him if she was so inclined.

He was about to finish draining his glass when he heard the lounge door slide open. _That__didn__'__t__take__long__, _he observed, looking up to realize that he recognized the man who had just entered. He couldn't recall from where, but he'd definitely seen him before. "Man, Shepard doesn't miss a beat! Place is stocked. Pass me that, would ya?" He motioned toward the bottle perched at the end of the bar. "Wait a minute, I know you," he added as Kaidan handed him the bottle. "Alenko. Saw you on Horizon."

And Kaidan remembered where he'd encountered the man. "You were with Shepard."

He nodded. "Jacob Taylor. And I guess you had the right of it. We're all on the run from the Illusive Man now."

"Somehow I doubt Shepard's running away."

Jacob laughed. "I guess you'd be right about that. She never missed an opportunity to tear him a new one. I guess she'll be on her way up to see you in a few."

Kaidan shook his head and gulped down what was left of his drink. "Doubt she'd be coming to see me."

"Oh, sorry, I thought you two were..."

He shrugged. "Yeah, so did I. Until I went and made a mess of it. You know that business that went down on the Citadel?"

"Yeah, we saw some of the vids. That was you," Jacob said with sudden realization. Kaidan nodded. "Rough. You're still here, though."

"She wants me here. So I'll be here for her. I just wish there was more I could do."

"Well, don't wait forever, man. You gotta take the good times where you can find 'em." He raised his glass. "Thanks for the drink."

* * *

Shepard poked around in her closet, trying to find something decent to wear for her date with Kaidan. Okay, he hadn't actually _called_ it a date, just asked if she wanted to grab lunch, take the afternoon off, kind of a 'sanity check'. She wondered if he had any idea that it was having the opposite effect on her. What would they even talk about? Was she _really _ready to go forward with this? She sighed. It was easier to just worry about clothes.

Especially since it was becoming extremely apparent that there was nothing in this closet that wasn't a uniform. She should have known this, of course. She'd left Earth with nothing but the clothes on her back, and had been lucky to find her armor stored in the Normandy's cargo hold. Traynor had requisitioned her some things during their first stop on the Citadel, but it didn't look like that had included, say, a blouse. Or even just a nice sweater. But as she rummaged, a shimmer of black fabric caught her eye from among some coveralls. She grabbed the hanger it was attached to and pulled it out to find a short black dress. She wasn't much of a dress person, but it _could _work. She held the dress in front of her and checked the mirror... "Ew!" She shoved the offending garment back into her closet. _Dress blues it is then._

* * *

"Shepard, I'm glad you came," Kaidan said as she slid into her seat at the cafe. "I, ah, wasn't sure you would."

"Of course I would. I'm glad you asked me."

"That's good," he tried to play it off, but she could tell he'd been surprised by her response. Hell, she'd been a little surprised by it herself. "Because I've been doing some thinking, and when I look back on my life, there aren't enough moments like this, with people I care about. Now I don't know if there's anything left between us, but I want to change that. I want to get you know you again."

Her eyes flickered, a thousand thoughts igniting inside her head and demanding to get out. But she'd already said it all; all she could do now was be honest with him "I've missed you, Kaidan." She shifted her gaze and looked down at at the table top. "I know we haven't talked. But I needed this time, to try and sort things out, figure out what I want, and what I need. And I realized I can't just leave you behind."

"I know none of this is easy on you, Shepard and I haven't made it any easier, but I want to help you now, in any way that I can. I want to catch you when you fall, and help you up when you stumble, and support you when the whole weight of the galaxy is against you."

She giggled. "Is that all?"

He took her hand in his, drawing it toward his face. "I'd like a chance to love you again, if you'll let me have it."

Two weeks ago her mind would have been burdened by the possibilities, all the things that could go wrong, everything she'd feared he might do. But she'd been watching him for those two weeks, and there had been no suspicion in his eyes, no fear, only concern. And everything seemed perfectly clear. It was the reason she'd come here after all. "I can do that."

"Well, then," the smile returned to his face, "that makes me very happy. And there are..." he lowered his voice seductively, "benefits... to that happiness."

Oh, how she'd missed him, she realized as she squirmed in her seat. "Mmm, then I think we need to get back to the Normandy, ASAP."

He shook his head, "They're only just bringing our drinks. And I intend to take my time..." She'd never expected him to be such a tease, though. Sure, there was some enjoyment to be had in anticipation; but sitting there beside him, watching his dark eyes, smelling his spicy aroma, feeling the skin of his palm against hers, the wait promised to be excruciating.


	10. Chapter 10

**_Author's note: Warning: NSFW content ahead._**

* * *

They almost didn't make it back to the Normandy.

By the time they reached the elevator Shepard was enveloped in Kaidan's arms as she peppered his face with kisses, and they nearly missed seeing the door open. She pressed closer to him once they were aboard. "Mmm. We could- stop- right here. Spectre- override."

Kaidan shook his head and held her chin in his hand. "And what would people say about Commander Shepard's stunning abuse of power?" His eyes twinkled.

"They'd take one look at you and understand exactly why I did it." She grinded against him, planting her mouth against his, her tongue diving deep inside, remembering the taste of him. As she pinned him against the elevator wall, she could feel him growing hard against her thigh.

"Unnh, 'Lis." He was finding it hard to form words. "Wait. Almost..." The elevator doors slid open to reveal two C-Sec officers waiting to board in the docking bay. Reluctantly, she pulled away, nodding the officers as they exited, looking for all the world like nothing untoward had happened. They hurried to where the Normandy was docked, no longer touching but walking closely side by side.

"You want me to go first?" she asked as they approached the airlock.

Kaidan shook his head. "We'll go together. You just have to keep your hands to yourself for half a minute til we get upstairs."

She smiled, hoping she'd be able to. "And then we can rip each other's clothes off?"

"There will be no ripping of clothes." He grinned at her. "I told you, I'm going to take. my. time."

* * *

Shepard yanked him through the door when they finally reached her quarters. Kaidan's eyes scanned the room but he didn't seem to waste any time in admiring the large space. He lifted Shepard as she wrapped her legs around him and set her down on the nearest surface, which happened to be the desk.

Shepard had Kaidan's top off in seconds. He took slightly longer, fumbling with the buttons on her jacket. The dress would have been a lot easier to get out of, she realized. Might have been worth it. Kaidan didn't bother with the clasp on her bra, simply pulled it over her head, cupping her breasts in his hands as she reclined against the case that held her ship models.

Starting at her neck, he left a trail of kisses across her chest, stopping to curl his tongue around her left nipple. She sighed, letting her eyes close. As he bit down gently on the erect nipple, she thrust her hips forward. Finding nothing there, she began to slide her hand under the waistband of her trousers. "Mmm-mmm," Kaidan mumbled as he moved it aside. Holding both her wrists firmly, but gently, he moved his attention to the other breast.

Releasing his grip on her, he unbuckled her belt and slid her pants down over her hips. as he continued to drop kisses across her stomach and then worked his way downward. Shepard gasped and cried out as his tongue worked its way down, between her lips, flicking gently across the nub within. Frantically she kicked her way free of shoes and pants, freeing her to spread her legs and wrap them around him, crossing her ankles at his back. She gripped the edge of the desk to keep herself from sliding to the floor as her muscles turned to rubber. Finally, able to bear it no longer, she cried out again, louder this time, as she sank into the ecstasy of her release.

Panting, Kaidan looked up at her, a satisfied smile on his face. She was still struggling to get her strength back, but she slid off of the desk and, hands on his shoulders, pushed him down into the leather chair facing it. "Your turn," she said, kneeling in front of him, sliding his pants down to his ankles, taking a moment to grip his ass firmly as she did so.

His cock stood erect as he toed off his boots to allow her to finish undressing him. She gripped the hard shaft and began to stroke it, slowly at first then gaining in speed. She lay her head in his lap as she did so, watching him tremble at her touch. Then she sat back on her heels, releasing her grip on him. She leaned forward to kiss the rounded tip then slowly worked her tongue down to the base and back again, finally taking him fully in her mouth.

He moaned softly as she stroked the shaft with her lips and tongue, cupping his balls and massaging the thin skin. Eyes closed, she moved her head up and down more quickly, feeling him thrusting against her. She then shifted her gaze upward as best as she could, where she saw his eyes closed, mouth agape, almost gasping for breath. She began to move faster again, until finally he came, filling her mouth in bursts as he slowly went limp. Quickly she swallowed, then gingerly climbed into his lap.

His face was unmasked, awash in orgasmic bliss. "'Lis...oh god..."

She put a finger to his lips. "Well, I just hope you can still make it to the bed."

His expression immediately hardened as he bared his teeth at her seductively. With a deep breath, he stood, cradling her in his arms. "Oh, I think I'll make it," he said, depositing her on the mattress. "The question is whether _you__'__ll_be able to get back up." He climbed onto the bed beside her, slipping two fingers inside her, navigating through the slick wetness as far as they would go. She squirmed, groaning, bending her knees and kicking at the sheets beneath her.

"Kaidan," she sighed as he added another finger. He twisted his hand back and forth, stroking her insides, then began to rub her clit with his thumb. "Ohhh!" She threw her arms around him, pulling him close to kiss him, devouring him. "Need you. Inside me. Now." She put her hands on his shoulders, gripping his torso between her thighs and flipping him over, straddling him.

"So impatient," he teased.

"You're damn right." She slid down onto his cock, relishing the sensation of him inside her. She'd been waiting for this for so long. They both had. He smiled up at her as she moved against him, running her hands over his muscled chest, then lay with her chest against his. Her hands moved to his back, dragging her fingernails against his skin, digging them in as he thrust into her.

Her skin began to tingle and she noticed the faint blue glow of biotic energy surrounding Kaidan, as well as the stronger glow enveloping her own body. But her aura was too strong, too much. She tried to temper her biotic response as Kaidan was, managing to tone it down to near his level; still, the electric tingle along with the low hum of their combined biotics nearly overwhelmed her. Her cries grew louder and louder with each thrust. Kaidan gripped her shoulders, his thrusts growing harder and faster as he neared his climax. Then she felt him come inside her, and with it felt the explosive release of the pent up biotic energy that surrounded them.

The blood seemed to drain from her body; her breathing grew shallow and her vision blurred. Her limbs almost didn't seem to belong to her anymore. She was barely aware of her surroundings, floating, falling. But Kaidan was there beneath her, to catch her, to break the fall. And in that moment he was the only thing in the world. "I love you."

"Oh, 'Lis." he reached up to stroke a strand of her hair as she rolled over to lie beside him. "I- I almost forgot what that was like. You. Us."

"Mmm hmm." She turned onto her side so she could look at him, gaze into his warm brown eyes. "I missed you." He was here now, and they were together again, and there was so much more she wanted to tell him. But it would keep. Exhausted by their exertions, she soon drifted off to sleep by his side.

* * *

She awoke several hours later, disoriented, trying to remember where she was. Then she felt Kaidan's warm breath on her cheek and remembered. It had all been real. She ran her fingers through his dark hair and he began to stir. He looked at her in a daze, still half-asleep. "Hey," she breathed, sitting up, "what were you dreaming about."

"Have I stopped?" He propped himself up on one elbow and rested the other hand on her thigh. "I thought this was part of it." He smiled. "Morning, 'Lis."

Shepard glanced at the clock beside her bed, which read _2019. _She giggled. "It's not even bedtime yet."

"Hmm," he slid his free hand up toward her breast. "Then how will we pass the time?"

She pushed the roaming hand away. "There'll be time to pass later. I got an invite to meet up with a friend tonight. And I wanna show you off." She looked down at him with a grin. "That said, we will need to shower first..."


	11. Chapter 11

The colored lights and bass-heavy music of Purgatory assaulted Kaidan's senses as the entered the dark club. He'd been to places like this before, of course; the Normandy crew had spent a fair amount of time in Flux, over on Tayseri Ward, back when they'd been going after Saren. This place just seemed to have a different atmosphere, however. _Desperation, maybe, _he thought, cynically. "So this is really where you want to be?" he asked Shepard.

She shrugged. "It's where everyone else is going to be," she projected her voice over the music. "It's apparently quite the destination for pretending Reapers don't exist for a few more hours."

"So that's not what we're doing?"

She smirked. "Sort of. Except when we're done here we'll go kill Reapers. Oh, hey, there's Jack." Shepard waved to a tattooed woman in a leather jacket and cargo pants.

"Shepard, hey, I didn't think you were gonna show!" Jack yelled, then turned toward Kaidan. "Who's the boyscout?"

Shepard smiled and put an arm around him. "Jack, this is Kaidan."

Jack examined him closely, eying him up and down. "Not bad. Not bad at all. But how's he in the sack?"

Kaidan gulped, hoping that the lighting of the club would obscure the blush rising to his face. He turned to Shepard, who was grinning and nodding her approval.

"Good deal," Jack continued. "Still, definitely more your type than mine. He scares too easy."

"You know, Jack was teaching the biotic class at Grissom Academy, before Cerberus hit the place," said Shepard, refusing to give up.

_Always the peacemaker. _Fine, he'd try. "Hmm. I actually had a biotic commando unit I was training back on Earth. I just hope their putting what I showed them to good use."

Jack nodded. "You know, you're okay, boyscout."

"You know," Shepard injected, "Joker said he was gonna head down here, too."

"Yeah," responded Jack, "he was heading down below with his fem-bot. Don't worry, I already gave him shit for it; you two kids have fun."

"Actually, Shepard, you go ahead. I think I'll wait here." Kaidan was willing to work with Joker, for Shepard's sake, and she had every right to keep her own friends. But there were some things he didn't want to reopen right now.

* * *

"Shepard!" Joker called to her as she approached, waving to the bartender to bring them both drinks. "I thought Kaidan would be joining you."

"Oh, he's back there talking to Jack- wait, why did you think he'd be joining me?" Joker hadn't even acknowledged their return to the Normandy earlier, and the CIC had been otherwise near deserted.

"Oh, it might have had something to do with you two racing past me a few hours ago, barely able to keep your hands off of each other. Or did I read too much into that?" He smirked at her. "But seriously, you're subjecting him to Jack? Alone?"

She shrugged. "His choice."

Joker's face fell. "Yeah, 'cause that's not gonna backfire," he mumbled. "Still," he continued, more clearly, "I'm glad things worked out for you. Really. You deserve it, Commander." He sighed and took a drink.

She tapped his arm lightly. "So what's up? You're acting weird. Weird for you, I mean."

"It's this place. These people. It's not the same as it was a few weeks ago. Like it's finally starting to sink in for people. D'you feel it?"

She looked at the drinkers at the crowded bar, the dancers upstairs, the couples and small groups sitting at tables and on couches, heads close together to hear each other speak. On the surface it was the same as it had ever been. But the drinks were being consumed more determinedly, the dancing was more frantic, the conversation quieter than it had been the last time she was here. "Yeah, I feel it."

"It's desperation. They can't ignore anymore, so they're trying to escape, to forget. And maybe they've got the right idea." Shepard frowned. "I don't mean give up," he clarified, "you know I'm in this thing til the end, no matter what happens. But maybe just let loose, do the things you want to do, even if it might be a bad idea."

"Anything specific you had in mind?" His gaze wandered toward EDI, who was seated at a nearby table. _Right. _She had eventually come to terms with EDI's physical form, and had even come to appreciate her company. But Shepard wondered what the AI could really offer Joker, not to mention what EDI herself might get out of the relationship. Still...

"I think it's crazy." Joker's face fell. "Hey, let me finish. I might not understand what you guys have. It _is _pretty crazy, you have to admit. But if love was rational, well, my day would have been a whole lot lonelier. I know how much you care about her; you put your ass on the line with me to stick up for her. Now, I don't know what's waiting for us at the end of all this, but I know that no one should have to face it alone. So-"

Shepard was interrupted by a flash of blue and the sound of a biotically charged fist hitting a table. "Fuck you!" the voice was unmistakably Jack's. "You have no _fucking _idea!"

"Oh, hell." Shepard started pushing through the crowd to where she'd left Jack and Kaidan.

"Told you that was gonna backfire," Joker said, waving. "See you, Commander."

* * *

"What the hell? And they put her in charge of untrained kids?" Kaidan demanded as Shepard dragged him away from the club and the crazed biotic woman inside. "I mean, what the hell was that?"

"You tell me," Shepard said as they reached the elevator. "You were the one talking to her. Something must have set her off."

"She was telling me about her class; I was telling her about my squad. We were actually finding some common ground. I mentioned that biotic training had come a long way since Brain Camp, that she would have just been a young kid when it shut down..."

"Shiiit."

"What?"

Shepard's voice grew quiet as they made their way through the docking bay to the Normandy. "We... scouted out an abandoned Cerberus base last year, on a planet called Pragia. They had used it as a biotic training facility. Jack grew up there."

"Grew up?"

"Yeah. I've got something to show you when we get upstairs." Back in her quarters, Shepard shuffled through the documents on her desk and tossed him a datapad.

Kaidan began to skim through the information she had provided. _Subject Zero—Jennifer Mason—age 4- _"Four?" he muttered, looking up at Shepard. She nodded and motioned for him to keep reading. _The latest iteration of PergNim went poorly. Subjects One, Four and Six died. No biotic change among the survivors..._ _The subjects are out of the cells—they're tearing the place up. Subject Zero is going to get loose. I need permission to terminate... We're shutting Teltin down. What a disaster. We'll infiltrate and piggyback onto the Alliance's Ascension program..._

When he'd finally finished reviewing the data, he echoed Shepard's sentiment. "Shit. I guess she was right. I had no idea." He was an idiot. He'd never considered biotics being trained outside of the Alliance. And the things Cerberus had done to Jack and those other kids... it made Brain Camp seem like a vacation.

"Don't worry about it, Kaidan." Shepard sat on the couch next to him. "It's okay, really. I talked to her; she's cooled off. You had no way to know." She was probably right, he realized. Still, he wished he didn't always manage to put his foot in his mouth so consistently. Shepard scooted closer and rested her head on his shoulder. "I guess I should have talked you into joining me and Joker."

"Eh," he shrugged, trying to stay non-committal.

She didn't buy it. "You really don't want to be around him, do you? What's going on with you two? Is it the Cerberus thing? Because Joker's not with them anymore either." He wasn't sure if she was kidding or not. He really wished it hadn't been so obvious. But she had always been so tuned into people; it wasn't easy to hide anything from her. He'd learned that on their first trip to the Citadel after Eden Prime.

"Shepard, it's not something I want to get into right now. I should really head downstairs; it's getting late." He stood, but she grabbed his arm in an attempt to keep him there.

"Kaidan, wait. I'm not going to force anything out of you. I... was just wondering, that's all." But her eyes were sad, and her tone made him wish there was more he could do. And maybe he could, eventually, but it was a lot to get over.

_Kaidan spotted Joker at a table in the crowded banquet hall and grabbed a chair across from him. He wasn't going to lie, it was wonderful that so many people wanted to honor Shepard's memory. Yes, he was fortunate to have had the opportunity to serve with her. No, they didn't know who had been responsible for the attack that killed her, but yeah, he'd love a chance to take those bastards down. But it had exhausted him; he needed a break. So he sought out a place to hide, a quiet corner where he could just be honest with someone for a few minutes. Then maybe he could go back to the crowd._

"_How're you holding up?" the pilot asked as Kaidan sank into the chair. Kaidan shook his head. His eyes were raw, but he wasn't crying. He wouldn't cry here. He'd expended his fair share of tears over the past two days, and he knew it would happen again tonight when he was alone, when he had the chance to retreat into himself, but now was time to play the dutiful officer, stoic yet proud. Was this what it had been like for Shepard? Always having to put on this persona, be the person they all expected her to be, even when her very heart rebelled against it? "You know," Joker continued, "Shepard would really be working the crowd at a thing like this."_

_Kaidan idly rubbed the back of his neck. He'd been this crap all day. He didn't need Joker's platitudes on top of everyone else's. "Shepard would hate seeing everyone make such a big fuss about her."_

"_You know, if I'd have known she was gonna play the big damn hero, I'd have dragged myself out of that chair, at least made a show of going for that pod. I'd have never made it, but maybe she'd have bought the effort... Dammit, Kaidan, I was trying to do the right thing. Didn't want to slow anyone down. But who was I kidding; of course she was gonna play the big damn hero. It's who she is. And now they're saying my priorities are out of whack; they're talking about grounding me, scheduling psych evals n' shit..."_

_Kaidan had only been half-listening, lost in his own grief, but what he heard was enough to stoke his anger, his repressed desire to lash out at something. "Is that all you care about?" He felt the heat rising to his face. "How soon you can get back into a pilot's seat?"_

"_I never said-"_

_He was no longer in the mood to listen. "Do you have any idea what it's like having to go out there-" he indicated the hall, "-and make nice to admirals, diplomats, her _mother _for chrissakes, the whole time trying to pretend she meant _nothing _to me?"_

"_Oh, stop acting like you're the only one who could give a damn! Like a quick fuck on the way to Ilos gives you some kind of special-"_

_Years of finely honed self control were all that kept him from decking Joker right there. As it was, his fists clenched beneath the table, his skin tingling with a biotic flare that he was sure could be spotted from across the room. "Fuck. You." He pushed his chair back forcefully and stood, hurrying to the nearest exit, barely making it to the outside corridor before the tears overtook him again._

* * *

The captain's quarters on the Normandy lay dark and silent except for the soft yellow glow of a datapad illuminating Shepard's face. Beside her, Kaidan slept restfully, but Shepard was wide awake. Shuffling through the datapads, she realized that since she'd left Earth, she'd really just been going through the motions. Following orders, doing what needed to be done, subsisting on determination and stubbornness and pure blind hope. But now, she suddenly felt the ability to distance herself from the day-to-day reality of the war, and look at the big picture. _Or maybe, _she considered, glancing down at the man lying beside her, _I'm just now feeling the need to._

She checked the numbers again. The fleets the Alliance had available. What the Turians had added to that. Where they'd stand if they could add the Asari into the mix. The crucible, and how much had been completed thus far, and what more materials they would need. And of course, the most difficult, the current situation on Earth, and what losses they'd sustained there thus far. And she could only come to one conclusion. It wasn't enough.

She rolled over, trying to slip out of bed quietly, so as not to wake Kaidan. But her feet his the deck more loudly than she'd have liked, and she heard the soft rustle of bedsheets as a hand reached out to touch her shoulder. "Shepard," he muttered, half-asleep, "what are you doing?"

She slid free of his touch and stood up, bending over to pick up her datapads from the night stand. "I need to call Hackett."


	12. Chapter 12

"We need more ships."

Kaidan hadn't expected her to be so blunt. He would have laid out his reasoning first, then made a tentative request. But Shepard didn't let things like reason get in her way when she was determined to accomplish something.

And Hackett didn't seem to object. "I know. We're making good progress on the Crucible, but the scale of the thing... it's like nothing anyone's ever attempted. We'll need more reinforcements before it's done. What do you suggest?"

"I want to talk to the Quarians."

"The reports I've heard from the Far Rim indicate that they have their own problems. I don't know how much luck you'll have there." He paused. "Do it. But remember, we still need to find that Catalyst."

"I know, sir. Dr. T'Soni has given us a couple leads, but they haven't turned up anything so far. It's her top priority though."

"Good. Because if we can't finish the Crucible, everything else we're doing out there is for nothing." She hated to believe it, but she'd seen what the Reapers were doing on Palaven, on Earth; she'd seen what they'd done to the Protheans. Even with all the fleets in the galaxy, they didn't have the resources they'd need to beat them on their own.

"Understood, sir. Shepard out."

Seconds after disconnecting the transmission, she felt an arm around her waist. "Hey, you. You know, you left without waking me." Kaidan teased.

"I didn't have the heart to. Wait a minute. Were you in here this whole time?" she scolded, even as she leaned into his embrace. "What if he saw you?"

"I lowered the range on the QEC," he said, smiling. "He couldn't see more than a meter past you. Anyway, next time you should wake me." He spun her around by the shoulder to face him. "Hackett's wrong, you know."

"How is he wrong? Even with all our firepower, the Reapers are too strong..."

He touched her forehead with his own. "That's not what I meant. I still think we can win this thing, Shepard, but even if we don't, we'll have done something no one else before us could have accomplished. We'll have fought back with our full strength, made the Reapers pay for every world they ruin. Whatever else happens this cycle, they'll be weaker than they were before they started. And that's thanks to you, Shepard. _That _is what will mean something, no matter what happens. We're still fighting for something here, even if it's just to give someone else a better chance."

She smiled and rested her head on his chest. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

* * *

"Where's Shepard?" Joker mumbled through a mouth full of food as Kaidan carried his dinner into the mess hall.

Small talk. Okay, it was a start. He could do small talk. "Still trying to sweet-talk the Quarian admirals."

"And by 'sweet-talk' you mean 'chew out', right? Cause she wasn't looking too sweet when she found out they were caught up in a war with the geth while the Reapers moved in." Kaidan grunted noncommittally. "Look, is this about... you know I didn't really mean that shit, right?"

"That's it?"

"And I'm sorry. It was stupid; I was going through a lot of shit then; we all were-"

"That's not an excuse!" Kaidan responded through clenched teeth, being careful not to yell. He didn't need the whole damn ship involved in this.

"It's not supposed to be. All I'm saying is that none of us was really all there, y'know? I'm trying to apologize here; I'm not sure what else you want."

"Well you could try acknowledging that you actually did something wrong."

"Goddammit, Kaidan. I'd rather have had it never brought up again. I hate that it happened. It was stupid, I knew I was wrong even when I was saying it. But you can't even meet me halfway here. And you know what? It doesn't really matter to me. I don't need your forgiveness. I really don't give a shit what you think of me. But you know how Shepard is with the whole 'happy family' thing; I was hoping maybe you could do it for her!" Joker pushed his chair back then started to haul himself up to a standing position. Kaidan made a move to assist him. "Fuck off! I don't need your help either."

Kaidan picked up his plate and left the table, carrying his meal to the observation deck. He wouldn't bother reprimanding Joker for the outburst, but how dare he try to lay a guilt trip on him. _"Do it for Shepard"? _Yeah, maybe she'd appreciate it if they patched things up, but she didn't know what Joker had said, and he wasn't about to tell her. No, it was probably better this way.

* * *

Kaidan drew his pistol, aiming it at the lone geth figure as it came into view. What was she doing? The thing didn't seem capable of fighting back; best to take it out now. He felt a hand on his arm and looked over to see Tali shaking her head.

"Kaidan, don't. It's on our side."

He frowned. "The geth... are on our side?"

"Not all of them, not the ones who've been shooting at us, of course. But Legion's a friend."

"A friend? And it has a name?"

"Shepard can explain."

Shepard was still on the platform speaking with the geth. If she'd managed to find allies even among the geth... but that didn't make sense. Geth units didn't have separate consciousnesses. If the rest of the geth on this ship had been opposing them, what made this one any different?

"Okay," Shepard said, stepping down from the platform, "Legion's being shackled by the hardware blocks up there"-she motioned to a nearby catwalk-"so we'll need to take those out to get it free."

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Commander?" Kaidan asked her. "Every geth we've encountered so far on this ship has tried to kill us. In fact, that's the first geth I've ever encountered that hasn't shot at me, and for all we know it's only 'cause it's tied up."

"Legion's safe," Shepard brushed away his concern. "I trust it."

"Maybe I'd feel better about all this if I knew exactly what was going on here."

Shepard started up the ladder, Kaidan immediately behind her. "It turns out Saren's geth were as rogue as he was. They were infected, by a Reaper virus. Most of the geth, what they call the 'true geth', stayed behind the Veil. The infected ones, well, I thought I'd removed the threat. We blew them up. But I guess when it came down to the geth fighting for their survival, they turned to the Reapers."

"And that- is it wearing your armor?"

She nodded. "Legion had been following me ever since Eden Prime. It found that armor on Alchera, used it for a repair job. I don't know why; it couldn't tell me. But Legion's safe. Once we have it unshackled this ship'll be dead in the water."

Shepard motioned to Tali as they reached the console. The young Quarian's fingers flew over the console, entering the commands to disable the hardware blocks. "There," she said as she finished. With a hiss, the cables confining Legion began to pull free, one by one, dropping the geth to the deck.

"Shepard-Commander," it announced, "I have disabled the dreadnought's barriers and weapon system. But there are more geth units headed our way."

"You know, just once I wish someone would stop after the good news," she muttered, drawing her shotgun. The bayonet attachment she'd equipped it with shimmered in the low light. She gathered a field of biotic energy around her and used it to propel herself into the first group of geth troopers, taking out any that remained with a blast of energy from her Barrier. As much as it scared him when she did that, he had to admit it was an impressive maneuver. The upgraded amp really seemed to be working well for her.

He turned his attention to the other entrances; geth were pouring in from all sides. He activated his omni-tool, working to overload the shields and other circuitry on as many as he could, mopping up the rest with bursts of fire from his assault rifle. Meanwhile, Tali's little combat drone was a force of it's own, nimbly moving among the geth units, distracting them and even scoring a few kills of its own.

"Prime!" shouted Tali from behind him. He peered around the beam he was pressed against to see one of the huge geth units approaching his position. Quickly he sent a signal through his omni-tool, eliminating the Prime's shields with a crackle of electricity. The thick armor plating covering it was going to be more tricky, however. Kaidan had never quite had the knack for a proper warp field, but he had picked up a fair substitute. Reinforcing his barrier, he sent a gravity wave toward the Prime, latching onto the armor's structure and shredding it to pieces. Though he could see the armor failing, the Prime continued to advance. Dropping the rifle to the ground, he drew his sidearm, its weight comfortable in his hand, and fired three shots into the geth's chest. Finally it stopped moving and dropped to the ground.

Kaidan barely had time to retrieve his rifle and catch his breath before Shepard raced to his position, Tali and Legion close behind. "Come on, we gotta MOVE!"

"What?" He'd been so focused on the prime that he'd lost track of his surroundings.

"The fleet's about to open fire. Bastards don't plan on waiting for us. Legion, what's the quickest way out from here?"

"There is a fighter bay through the corridor on the left. The interior of one of the fighters is spacious enough to accommodate all of us."

"All right!" Shepard set off at a run again. "Let's get to that fighter."

* * *

It had all been going smooth until the Reaper showed up. He made a point to keep Shepard ahead of him as they made their escape, Tali glancing back at him knowingly as she caught up with his position. He knew they were both thinking the same thing; that Shepard would want to stay, to try to fight the thing, if they let her.

Not that boarding the car made much difference. Shepard immediately positioned herself on the gun turret at the rear of the vehicle, pelting the Reaper with machine gun fire.

"You know, you're only going to make it mad," Tali said, trying to diffuse Shepard's temper.

"Good! It should know how the rest of us feel. In fact," she thumbed on her comm, "EDI, can you link the rest of the fleet into the targeting laser?" Shepard paused for the response. "Good. Do it. Legion, stop the car."

_Is she...?_

Shepard leaped from the car almost before it had stopped moving, targeting laser in hand.

_Dear God, she is. _"Shepard, are you crazy?" She was of course. She was beautiful, and kind, and brave, and determined, but she was also utterly insane. He prepared to exit the vehicle himself, but Tali's arm across his chest stopped him.

"I know how you feel, but you'll only distract her."

Shepard's voice rang over his comm then, but she was broadcasting to everyone. "I've seen what the Reapers do to the worlds they take. We all have. A million worlds before our time, scrubbed clean, empty, lifeless. Well they're not getting this one!"

Kaidan could only watch, heart in his throat, as Shepard held the laser on her shoulder, standing fast in the face of the Reaper's charging laser... then made a quick dodge to the side as the laser reached her position. Racing to the other side of the cliff, she re-aimed as the Reaper weapon charged again, only to be cut off by the combined fire of the Normandy and the Quarian ships. The Reaper crumpled to the ground, defeated. Kaidan did the same out of relief. She'd done it, of course. She'd done the Shepard thing and pulled off something ridiculous, something he never could have imagined. And she'd survived.

Kaidan looked up to see Tali and Legion hurrying to reach Shepard's side. He wanted to follow. He wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her that she'd done a stupid thing. A stupid, amazing thing. But when he looked to where Shepard was standing, he saw that the Reaper wasn't quite dead yet. It was speaking to her. And as Tali and Legion arrived beside her, he knew that whatever was going on right now, with the Quarians and the geth and the Reaper, it was bigger than the two of them. He could wait until later. And then he would take the time to show her how amazing she truly was.


	13. Chapter 13

"Indoctrinated presence detected. Shutting down." Kaidan felt his stomach drop as the VI's holographic interface flickered from view. They'd been so close. He turned to see a masked man with shaggy black hair storm into the temple.

"Kai Leng," muttered Shepard.

He looked up at her. "Who?"

"That's right, you weren't there. He's the Cerberus assassin; the one who was trying to kill the Council. The Illusive Man's backup plan when I wouldn't play ball." She turned to the assassin and shouted, "You're too late, Leng! You're outnumbered again, and this time you don't have a hostage!"

Silently, Leng reached into a pocket and retrieved a transmitter which activated to reveal a tiny hologram of the Illusive Man. "Actually, Shepard, it looks like we got here just in time to get what we need. Thank you for leading us here."

Shepard's righteous anger at Kai Leng cooled into a smoldering rage as she addressed the Illusive Man. "Fuck you!"

"Language, Shepard," he taunted. "You always did lack vision. I saw that when you chose to destroy the Collectors' base. Even now you would seek to simply destroy the Reapers, when there is so much power there for the taking."

"We don't need it. What we need is these bastards _dead. _So if you're not planning to help me with that, get the hell out of my way!" Her hands balled into fists at her side as she drew on her biotics, but before she could make a move, a biotic wave from Leng hit all three of them, knocking them to the ground. In seconds, he had snatched the VI chip from the beacon and was racing toward the exit.

"I don't think so, fucker." Shepard Charged at Leng, then reached for the shotgun at her back for a followup blow.. The forceful biotic attack would have knocked most foes off their feet at the very least, but Leng seemed unfazed.

"Nice try, Shepard," the assassin uttered in a monotone. "Too bad for you I brought backup." An enormous gunship descended from the clouds, raining fire on the temple entrance.

"Take cover!" Kaidan shouted to her as he took his own advice, crouching behind one of the rows of seats. Liara was doing the same across the center aisle, while Shepard ducked down behind the statue at the entrance, poking her head out when she could to take shots at Leng. But the gunship did its job, and soon the assassin was on board.

Shepard leapt from cover and raced toward the now silent gunship, firing her pistol futilely at it. "Fucking coward! Get your ass back here!" Kaidan watched an object plummet toward them from the ship, recognizing what it was just as Shepard shouted "Grenade!" They hurried to put distance between them and the pending explosion. It was almost enough.

Kaidan's ears rang from the explosion and he coughed, his lungs burning from the smoke, but he was otherwise uninjured. He glanced around the room and saw Liara near the beacon, struggling to stand. Still no sign of Shepard. _Damnit__! _

"Kaidan!" Liara pointed to the spot where the grenade had landed and exploded with enough force to punch a hole in the floor. _Nononono. _His eyes caught a flash of light from the area, possibly a reflection of light off a hardsuit? He gasped with relief to see a gloved hand reach out from the chasm, gripping the edge.

"Shepard!" He raced over to the hole on pure adrenaline and reached down to grip Shepard's forearm, willing himself not to let go. Before long, Liara was beside him, grabbing the other arm. Together, they managed to haul Shepard up. But the look on her face was haunting. Her mouth hanging open, her eyes nearly dead. He'd never seen her look so hopeless, not even three years ago when the Normandy had been grounded, keeping them from going after Sovereign. Even so, he knew where she was. He just hoped he could reach her.

_The woman ran down the corridor toward them, letting out a guttural cry of rage, of grief. She threw out a hand toward him, attempting to catch him in a lift field. Expertly, he blocked it, then hesitated, not wanting to hurt her, knowing it wasn't really her fault. Shepard, on the other hand, wasted no time. She drew her sidearm and fired calmly at the woman, wearing away her barrier and finally sinking the last two shots into her chest. Their attacker crumbled to the deck._

_Unfortunately for Kaidan, the adrenaline soon dissipated, leaving room for him to think. That could have been him, he realized as he looked down at the body by his feet. 'Stable' they called him, and maybe he was for now. But how could he know what would be that one little moment that would make him snap. Was Shepard thinking the same thing right now? Wondering if he could truly be trusted? Not that it mattered; it was probably best that he keep his distance from her. After all, if anything were to happen to her, he might-"_

"_Lieutenant!" His head snapped up to look at Shepard. From the tone of her voice she'd been trying to get his attention for a while. She closed the distance between them and put a hand on his shoulder. In a low voice, almost a whisper, she said, "Kaidan, I'm still here." _

"_I just wish there had been another way."_

"_I know." And that simple understanding was all he'd really needed to hear._

Kaidan reached out and cupped her chin in his hand. "Look at me, 'Lis. It's _not over._" She looked at him with empty eyes but didn't respond. "C'mon, we should go." He turned and led Shepard and Liara to the waiting shuttle.

* * *

The shuttle ride back to the Normandy had never seemed to take so long, yet Shepard had never found herself dreading its end so much. How could she go and face, well, anyone, after what she'd let happen. She felt cold, felt it deep in her bones. Not the cold of a Noverian blizzard, but the cold of deep space, of vacuum, as her suit failed and left her adrift, lost and alone, in the skies above Alchera.

She didn't realize they were back on the Normandy until she felt Kaidan take her hand to help her off the shuttle. Silently, she accepted the help, then headed to a corner to go through the motions of shucking off her armor in exchange for a set of fatigues. Another pair of hands covered hers as she fastened her jacket. "You don't have to do this alone, Shepard."

"It's okay, Kaidan," she whispered, holding back sobs, "I'm fine." She wasn't, but she could only imagine how that would go down, having Kaidan hovering as she spoke with Hackett, with the Council, as she made her rounds checking in with the crew. They'd lose all faith in her. She did have to do this alone.

Fifteen minutes, she decided. That was all she'd need. Fifteen minutes of putting on her best Commander Shepard face and telling everybody that it was going to be all right. Then she could go to her quarters and fall apart, unseen. She decided to start with the most difficult call. Approaching the QEC, she called up Admiral Hackett, to tell him that she'd failed them all.

* * *

"Commander," Traynor called to her as she exited the war room to the CIC.

"What can I do for you, Sam?" She only hoped it would be brief enough not to throw a wrench into her fifteen minute plan.

"I just wanted to let you know, we have a lead on the Cerberus vessel that left here. EDI was able to send a beacon with it through the relay."

Shepard abandoned all sense of rank or propriety and threw her arms around the younger woman. "We're tracking the bastard? Awesome!"

"Well, we're not tracking him, exactly. The beacon can only follow him to the next relay. We don't know where he went from there."

"Oh, okay." Shepard gritted her teeth, ashamed that she'd let pointless enthusiasm get the better of her. "It's better than nothing. So where are we headed then?"

They climbed the steps to the galaxy map together and Traynor zoomed in on the upper right quadrant of the map. "Here," she pointed, "in the Iera system."

Shepard examined the planets in the system. "Horizon. Fuck!"

"Ma'am?"

She shook her head. "Nothing. It was a long time ago. Good job on that lead, though. Both of you."

Joker alone seemed unaffected by the recent events, she realized as she reached the bridge. "Hey, Commander. I bet the Asari are wishing they had more commandos and fewer exotic dancers right about now." He winked at her. "Too soon?"

As much as she was disinclined to be charitable to the Asari just now, considering how long they'd held out on her, she wasn't in the mood for Joker's flippant attitude, either. "Wake the fuck up! Can't you take something seriously, just once?"

Wordlessly, he scrolled through a handful of maps on his console, pointing one out to her, a small garden world in a system she'd never heard of. "You see that? That's Tiptree. My dad lives there; so does my sister. Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago. We haven't heard a peep from the colony since. So, yes, Commander, I am perfectly capable of taking things seriously."

His revelation hit her like a punch to the gut. "I-I didn't realize. You never said anything. How do you deal with it? How do you just keep on being, well, you?"

Joker blinked, surprised at her question. "The same way you do, Commander. Because I have to."

"What are you talking about?"

"Just look at yourself; you're wound up tighter than the Skyllian Blitz! Someone's gotta keep people relaxed around here. Besides, well, I promised Anderson I'd keep an eye on you, you know?"

_He__what__? _"I don't need a goddamned babysitter!" She spun on her heel and left the bridge.

* * *

Kaidan, seated on the floor outside her quarters, looked up as she stepped off the elevator. "Someone ask you to look after me too?" she snapped.

"Hey," he stood up, "I don't know what that was all about, but I'm here because I want to be. Because you shouldn't be alone right now." His whiskey-brown eyes gazed sincerely into hers, reminding her that this was _Kaidan__, _and there was nothing she needed to hide anymore. She threw herself at him, melting into his strong arms.

"Oh, god, Kaidan..."

"Shh, come with me." The door slid open and they entered the apartment, taking their seats side by side on the sofa. He stroked her face gently. "I love you, so much."

"I can't do this, Kaidan."

"You will. You'll do what you've always done. You'll fight, and you'll win."

"Will I? Then why is everyone treating me like I'm gonna break?"

"Because we see you breaking." At her shocked expression, he continued. "You're not some emotionless robot, Shepard, and no one needs you to be, either. But I've seen you mourn Ash and then turn around and steal a ship to make a run at Ilos. I walked away from you on Horizon and next thing I knew, you were coming _back _through the Omega 4 relay. Hell, I saw you chase down a Reaper on foot and _win._ That's the kind of thing that inspires people, Shepard. You see what needs to be done and you just _do it. _No hesitation. No holding back. And you have no idea how fucking _incredible_ that is."

He kissed her gently, beginning to undo her jacket... she pushed his hands away. "Kaidan, don't."

"You're so tense. I just want to help."

She shook her head. She didn't want to be distracted, not when things were still so unsure. "Not now."

"Okay." Instead, he took her hand to lead her to the bed.

"Kaidan?" she looked up at him. "Stay here tonight?"

"I'm not going anywhere."

And true to his word, he lay beside her, stroking her hair until she fell asleep.


	14. Interlude 2

**Interlude: After the Fall**

"_Shot through the heart, and you're too late, honey you-_" Joker scrambled to take the call on his omni-tool and cut off the song that was blaring through the Normandy's cockpit. He was definitely going to have to get EDI back for that one. The crap she managed to scrounge up for his ring-tones... Still half-asleep and bleary-eyed, it took him a moment to recognize the face that appeared on his omni-tool's display.

"Wha- Kaidan?" Kaidan Alenko was probably the last person he'd expected to see calling him, unless there was some kind of emergency. The realization jolted him to full alertness.

"Look, Joker," Kaidan began, "I thought about what you said, about doing this for her, and, well, you're right. She needs everyone standing behind her, and us... me fighting with you isn't..."

Damnit, he didn't care about any of that. "How is she?"

"Huh?"

Seriously, if Kaidan wasn't overreacting to something, he was being completely fucking dense. "Shepard. Is she okay? She was pretty fucked up before."

Kaidan blinked, seemingly surprised at Joker's display of emotion. Sure, he might have a thing or two to work on in the empathy department, but he was more than just the Normandy's comic relief. "She's asleep," he finally said. "Beyond that... I want to say she'll get over it and come back even stronger, but I just don't know. It's a lot to have resting on any one person."

Joker had seen Shepard beaten and bruised. He'd seen her struggle, physically and emotionally. He'd heard her promise him, at his lowest point, that they'd get their crew back, then watched her come through and bring everyone home safe. But only once before had he seen her despair. _"Just a reminder that I lost more than time."_

"Well, you know what you have to do, then, Kaidan."

"What's that?"

"Hold her up."

* * *

Cathy Alenko hummed to herself as she put the last of the peaches away. It had been long work, canning them all, but it had been worth it. Ben had made sure she had enough protein rations to last a good long while, but it was nice to have something sweet to supplement them. The apples would be ripening soon, now, and fortunately they would keep a bit longer unpreserved than the peaches. She'd have to dry them, eventually, but maybe all this would be over by then. She might even go ahead and bake a pie.

Ben had always loved her apple pie, and the thought of it made her miss him terribly. They'd said no body had been found, but she knew in her heart he was gone. She hadn't heard from Lori since all this started, but she was a smart girl and with luck would have gotten somewhere safe. And Kaidan had messaged her just last week. Nothing big, just letting her know he was alive, and safe, for the moment.

She'd expected it, of course. Her son was a survivor. Just the fact that he'd been born without complications, after that damned freighter accident, had been the first miracle. Every doctor's visit, every test, she'd waited anxiously, until the fear in her heart turned to relief, and over time, cautious optimism that he had, in fact, been one of the lucky ones.

And the day he'd finally come home from Jump Zero, after those two long years away, nearly a man, broken, but alive, all she could do was take him in her arms, grateful that he'd made it back to them, even as her husband cursed the circumstances that had taken him away.

And somehow, after everything, he'd not just survived, he'd thrived. He was out there, somewhere, fighting for them all. And she knew that if there was anyone left to come back to her, it would be Kaidan.

* * *

Matt Tyler surveyed the perimeter of the camp as the last rays of sun began to fade, piercing red in the smoky air. He spotted Michelle perched on a chunk of blacktop that had once been part of a road, before a Reaper's claw had dug it up and tossed it aside like a child playing in the sand. Her face was blank as she gazed out over the ruined city. Silently, he took a seat beside her.

She looked up at him. "This is fucked up."

Matt could only nod in agreement. From Chicago they'd gone to Detroit, then Toronto, then just a few days ago a shuttle had arrived to take them to London. The pilot, a young man with sandy brown hair who looked fresh out of high school, had told them that everybody was needed in London, that something big was going down.

And he'd been right. London had been something else. Reapers had hit here hard, worse than anything they'd seen so far. The destruction made it hard to believe there had actually been a thriving city here just a few months ago. But now, Major Alenko's prediction about the action they'd be getting had come true in spades. They'd been thrown into combat almost as soon as they arrived, and Tyler had lost his first man just hours later. "It's not something you can plan for," Alenko had told him months ago, as he prepared Tyler for command. "But somehow you have to just learn how to take it, and keep going." So he did.

"You think we're gonna make it through this?" Michelle asked. Matt wasn't sure. He couldn't take heart in the news they'd gotten, that Commander Shepard and the Normandy had located a key piece of tech that would help them defeat the Reapers. Seeing what he was seeing, it was hard to pin his hopes on something he couldn't see in front of him.

But he knew Michelle wasn't looking for honesty. She was looking for reassurance. She was looking for a reason to get up in the morning and bust her ass fighting the enemy. So he smiled and told her, "Yeah. I really do."

* * *

"Hannah."

Hannah Shepard looked up, surprised to hear Hackett's voice. It wasn't like him to drop by her office, especially unannounced. Then again, he didn't seem to be treating this like an entirely professional encounter. Without even waiting for a response, he removed his cap and seated himself in one of the chairs across from her desk. So Hannah kept her response equally informal.

"What the hell happened to you?"

"It's looking bad, Hannah. We're holding Earth, barely, but our defenses are wearing thin. The Fleet's still holding together, maintaining offensive actions, but with so many colonies taken out it's gutting our supply lines hard. And earlier today Commander Shepard came across a Prothean VI on Thessia with information on the Crucible, including the Catalyst. And Cerberus got their hands on it before she could get what we needed. Things are coming to a head, and fast."

"If Cerberus stole it out from under her, she'll waste no time in getting it back. Elisa's pretty damn dangerous when you piss her off."

"I wish I could agree with you, but you didn't see her afterward. I barely even recognized her, like Cerberus stole the fight right out of her when they stole that VI."

Hannah frowned. The daughter she knew did not give up so easily. She had to believe that Elisa would spring back from this setback as she had from so many others. But this war was enough to infect even the stoic Admiral facing her with bouts of pessimism, and it showed.

"You've looked better, yourself, sir." He waved a hand at her, dismissing the formality. "When was the last time you slept?"

"Are you going to mother me, too, then?"

She gave him a sad smile. "Only because no one else would dare. You have a room here for a reason. Get some sleep. I need to send a message to my daughter."

* * *

"Damnit!" Miranda's remaining contacts within Cerberus were few, but honest. She didn't trust them entirely, of course; Niket had taught her that. Still, Michael's promptness in contacting her was appreciated, and evidence in his favor. Shepard had found information to help the Alliance complete the Prothean anti-Reaper device, and Kai Leng had stolen it from her, and he was on his way there.

And if Kai Leng had it, so did the Illusive Man. She wondered if it have been better off for her to have stayed with Cerberus. She didn't doubt her ability to work the double-agent angle-she'd been undercover before-and if she'd been the one confronting Shepard in that Thessian temple, this could all be over right now.

Miranda approached the small shelter that she shared with Oriana. It was a few kilometers away from the main settlement, tucked in among the mountains, well-hidden. "Oriana," she called softly as she opened the door. The inside of the trailer was a mess. A spilled drink covered a tabletop. Datapads lay scattered across the floor. Oriana was nowhere to be seen.

It was a sloppy kidnapping job if she'd ever seen one. It wouldn't have taken long to tidy the place up, make it look like nothing was amiss, leave her to speculate on a hundred other reasons why her sister wasn't there. Her father clearly wanted Miranda to know that he was responsible. He wanted her to come after Ori. Well, she wasn't about to disappoint him. Miranda checked her weapons, grabbed an energy bar to eat on the way, then raced out the door.


	15. Chapter 15

Kaidan drifted back to awareness as he felt Shepard slide out from under his arm, heard the rustle of the bedsheets beside him and the soft thump of her feet on the floor. He was becoming far more adept at detecting when she was trying to slip out of bed without him.

"Shepard?" he murmured, still bleary-eyed; it had take him awhile to get to sleep last night.

"Get up," she responded, tossing an energy bar at him then unwrapping one for herself. "We'll be hitting Horizon soon and I don't know what we'll find there; I'm gonna need everyone ready."

It was hard to believe this was the same woman he'd held in his arms the night before: devastated, lost, tears attacking her eyes as she fought to keep them at bay. And in fact, in a way, it wasn't. She was the Commander now; she had set the previous day's events aside and was prepared to take action. As she had after Virmire, and after Mars, and, though he hadn't been there to see it, after Horizon as well. And...

"Wait, Horizon? What do you think we'll find there?"

"With any luck, Cerberus." Shepard took a seat at her desk and powered on her terminal. "Traynor and EDI tracked Kai Leng to that relay, so it's- FUCK YOU!" Shepard violently shoved the terminal across the desk; he could see the display shiver from the vibration. "Fucking SHITHEAD! Gonna _wish _I killed your ass on Thessia!"

"Shepard." He was at her side in an instant, leaning over to view the message, quickly realizing that what appeared to be a communication from the Asari military regarding the Thessia evacuation was, in fact a taunting missive from Kai Leng. His teeth clenched, but he tried to downplay his reaction for Shepard's benefit. "Shepard, he's trying to get a rise out of you, trying to make you careless. Don't let him have the satisfaction."

"Oh, he'll get some fucking satisfaction. The satisfaction of a knife in his gut and a bullet in his head."

Angry Shepard was an improvement over despondent Shepard, though not by much. He rested his hands on her shoulders and leaned down, close to her ear. "You're letting it get personal. Don't. Remember what all this is about; what we're really fighting for."

Deliberately, forcefully, she slowed her breathing. "The Reapers. The _goddamn _Reapers."

"Right. The goddamn Reapers. Now come on, let's go grab a real breakfast before we have to gear up."

"Hang on," she put up a hand. "I've got an email from my mom, too. And hopefully this one's for real." He began to move away to let her have some privacy. She reached up and took his hand. "Don't. Stay."

_Hey,_

_I heard what happened on Thessia. I know it was difficult for you. And I just wanted to remind you, I believe in you. I know you probably hear that 100 times before breakfast, but remember: I don't say it because you're some kind of figurehead, or icon, or whatever they want to make you out to be. I say it because I know you better than any of them, and I've never seen you back down from a challenge. If there's a way for us to win this thing, you'll find it. Give 'em hell, sweetie._

_Love you, _

_Mom_

* * *

"So what would Cerberus be up to here?" Kaidan asked as the shuttle descended toward the refugee camp on Horizon's surface.. "Granted, the colony was halfway across the planet, but I didn't see any sign of them when I was stationed there except for, ah, you. Sorry."

"It's okay," Shepard responded. And it was. There was nothing accusatory in his tone; it was just a time in both of their lives that had happened, and it was over. It was refreshing to feel that, to know it for sure, but she pushed the thought from her mind. They had bigger things to focus on. "And we don't even know for sure if they're actually here, or Kai Leng was just passing through. Or if it was just a diversion."

"Well I'm picking up something from the surface," Cortez hollered from the cockpit. "Not sure if it means anything." He patched the message through.

"_This is Oriana Lawson. I'm warning you, turn back now, Sanctuary is a lie. Please, turn back-"_

"Oriana," Shepard repeated. "That's Miranda's sister."

"And there's our link to Cerberus," Garrus finished.

"Steve, get us down there."

They stepped from the shuttle just in time to see a Cerberus shuttle spiral down and crash in the ruined courtyard beyond. "Look out, Harvester!" shouted Garrus.

Shepard crouched down and scanned the sky, shielding her eyes. "It didn't see us." She stood and headed toward the courtyard. "Keep an eye out for the welcoming committee, though." It didn't take long for her prediction to come true, as a squad of Cerberus troops came pouring from the entrance to the facility.

Dispatching them with little trouble, the trio headed through the front door, where a woman's voice welcomed newcomers, warning them that their possessions would be searched and any communication devices would be disabled. "Bring 'em in and then make sure no one can call out. Seems like an obvious setup," said Kaidan.

"Yeah," agreed Garrus. "But people will agree to a lot when their desperate."

A familiar voice sounded from a nearby vidscreen. _"This is a Cerberus facility..."_

"That sounded like Miranda," said Garrus.

Shepard ran toward the terminal. "Damnit, Miranda! If you've screwed me..." She activated the terminal to hear the rest of the message.

"_If you've made it this far, you're either desperate or stupid. This is not a refugee camp; it's a Cerberus facility run by my father, Henry Lawson. There is no help to be found here. Leave, now."_

Well, Miranda was still on their side, at least. "So we've got Cerberus, Reapers and Miranda's crazy father. Now we just need to find out what ties them together. Garrus, find us a way out of here."

Kaidan stepped to her side as Garrus went to try the doors. "Lis, are you okay?"

She shook her head. "I don't know what's going on here, but I don't like it. And now I've got a friend caught in the middle. I won't be okay til we get it figured out." At his sorrowful gaze, she added, "Thanks for asking, though."

"That's a no-go on the doors, Shepard," Garrus called. "They're not controlled by anything locally."

"Damn!" The area they were in was bound in on the far side by a huge pool; she wasn't looking forward to swimming with armor on. A control panel stood beside the ladder leading down to the water. "What about this?"

Garrus joined her. "Let me take a look." He knelt beside the panel. "Nope, nothing running to the doors... wait, what's this?"

The pool began to drain before their eyes. Kaidan whistled. "Hell of a back door."

The devices revealed by the receding water looked familiar. "Hey, guys, does that remind you of anything?" Shepard asked, worried.

Kaidan nodded, while Garrus spoke. "Yeah, it reminds me of Saren's base on Virmire."

"Yeah," she agreed, "that's what I was thinking, too. Reaper tech."

They descended into the empty pool and passed through a nearby door. Security cam footage looped on a nearby screen. A Cerberus scientist was placing an unconscious refugee into what looked like some kind of sleeper pod. Then...

"They're just... killing them," Garrus said, horrified.

"Not just," Kaidan added, pointing to another pod on the screen. "They're turning them into husks."

"Fuck everything about this place!" Shepard had had it by this point. The Illusive Man could say that they had the same goal, that he was just trying to protect humanity in his own way, but she couldn't wait to hear how he'd try to justify this. There was no excuse.

She slammed the door control to the next room. She heard a familiar sound, faint at first but growing louder. The sound of husks scurrying toward them, husks that had once been desperate refugees. "Bastard," she said under her breath. But there was nothing she could do for them now. Shepard sent out a Shockwave as the husks drew into range, taking out the bulk of the forces and scattering the rest.

She worked methodically, now, picking off the husks one by one with shotgun blasts, or swiping at them with her blade. Garrus and Kaidan might have been helping, too. She wasn't sure. Shepard was a machine, focused, with a job to do. Find Miranda. Find Kai Leng. Find out why the Illusive Man was doing this, and end it. Other Reaper forces followed the husks She barely noticed as she Charged a Marauder, dropping its shields, then finished the job with a point-blank shotgun blast to its head. Relative silence filled the room as she slowly turned around now, making sure no enemies were still standing. She was ready to give the all clear when she saw the banshee rounding the corner, its barrier glowing with barely contained biotic energy. She sighed; they didn't have time for this. "Out of my way, bitch!"

She fired up her own biotic field, and Charged.

* * *

"Shepard, don't!" Kaidan shouted too late, as Shepard flew toward the banshee. What was she doing? Had she forgotten how deadly those things were up close? _Nononono, _he pleaded as he whittled down the banshee's barrier with his rifle. It didn't seem to slow it down, though, as the banshee picked up Shepard with its long, clawlike fingers. Kaidan froze as the banshee wound up for its final strike.

_Fwoot! _Kaidan swung his head toward the sound to see the barrel of Garrus' sniper rifle, then turned to where it was pointing to see the banshee crumple to the ground, dropped by Garrus' headshot. Shepard lay motionless beside it. He raced to her side, pulling off his gloves. He pressed his fingers to her neck, relieved to feel her strong pulse beneath them.

Shepard stirred beneath him. He opened his mouth to speak but felt Garrus's hand on his shoulder, pulling him back. "Let me talk to her."

"But I..."

"That's not what she needs right now. I'll talk to her."

Kaidan nodded. The turian was right; Shepard needed the no-nonsense, What happens to the galaxy if you die? speech. Not the How could you do that to me? version. She'd get the other one later. Now she needed to get up, calm down, and lead them, competently, through their mission here. Still, he caught her eye from across the room as Garrus spoke to her, hoping to remind her that while everything Garrus was saying was true, there was still someone here who cared about more than what she had to do right now. Who cared about her.

"Alenko!" she called as Garrus helped her to her feet. "Let's move!" Her face was hard and determined as Kaidan hurried to join him, but she reached back and briefly squeezed his hand as he neared her side.

* * *

Henry Lawson stood with his back against the huge observation window, pistol to his younger daughter's head. Miranda knew her father well. He wasn't going to be convinced he was wrong; her only chance was to try to bargain with him. "Look, I have no problem with you. I just want Oriana and your research data."

He sneered. "You want a lot."

"You get your life in return. How much is that worth?"

He hesitated. Shepard continued to stare at him, unflinching. "All right." He released his hold on Oriana, letting her fall to the ground. "Take her, but I get out of here alive. Deal?"

Shepard lowered her weapon, but she heard the crackle of a biotic field to her left. Miranda had left her hiding place to join them. "NO DEAL!" she shouted, Throwing Henry Lawson through the glass to the factory floor below. She then hurried over to where her sister had fallen, helping her up and pulling her close.

Shepard turned away to give them some privacy, heading toward the console where Kaidan was already trying to pull up the facility's research data. "I think I have what you're looking for," said Miranda, approaching them from behind. She activated her omni-tool for the data transfer. "All my father's notes from this facility, all the work they were doing here."

"What _were_they doing here?" Shepard asked. "Reaper tech is dangerous; what were they trying to accomplish?"

"My father told the Illusive Man he'd found a way to control the Reapers."

"Control the Reapers? That's-" Shepard lowered her voice as the pieces fell into place. "That's why he's been so dogmatic about this, interfering in everything I've tried to do. He's trying to sabotage the whole damn war effort, so he can swoop in and take over with his own personal Reaper army."

"But we can stop him," said Miranda. "I managed to put a tracker on Kai Leng's ship. He's bringing the research data back to the Illusive Man. And now we know where that is."

Shepard clenched her teeth. "About time we caught a break. Looks like Kai Leng's gonna be bringing more than just the data."


	16. Chapter 16

"You scared the hell out of me down there," he said. No anger, no accusations.

"I'm sorry," she replied. No argument, no defensiveness, she just accepted it.

He closed the distance between them, pulling her into his arms. "Don't do that to me again."

"I'm so, so sorry." She buried her face in his shoulder. "But I can't promise that. You know that."

Kaidan understood. She had a job to do, the ultimate mission. Stop the Reapers, save the galaxy. "Then promise me you won't do it unless you have to."

"It's so hard. It's like you said, I see what needs to be done and just do it. Damn the consequences. That's why I... thank you."

Kaidan took a step back, and folded his hands over hers. "I'm always here for you. Do what you need to do. Just be safe."

She planted a gentle kiss on his lips. "I need to go. We're hitting Cerberus HQ tomorrow; I've got things to prepare."

He smiled. "I'll be up later, then."

She shook her head. "Don't. I'll be busy. There's so much to do."

He waited until the door closed behind her. "I guess it's a date."

* * *

The sound of the door chime wormed its way into her head, past ship formations, troop numbers, and analysis of relative weapon strength. "Coming!" The door slid open to reveal Kaidan. _Damn! _ Maybe she hadn't been too forceful in her refusal earlier, but she wasn't just being coy; she really did have work to do. "Kaidan, I told you..."

"Shh." He removed his hands from behind his back to reveal a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. "I thought you could use a break."

"I can't. There's so much to do." Yet her resolve was weakening with every second those brown eyes, smoothly muscled arms, and goddamned half-smile stood in front of her.

He pushed past her and moved backward into the room, brandishing the bottle and glasses as he did so. "C'mon, just a quick drink, then I'll go."

She sighed, but a smile spread across her face. She led him to the sofa and they sat down. Shepard waited until the drinks were poured, then pulled her legs up, resting them on Kaidan's lap. She reached for a datapad on the coffee table, but Kaidan grabbed her hand and pulled it back toward him. "There's nothing on those datapads that you haven't been over a dozen times already. You've done everything you could; I know that because I know you. You're ready for whatever Cerberus or the Reapers try to throw at you."

"And what happens after? I'm a warrior, it's all I've been since the day the batarians hit Elysium. I don't know if I can be anything else."

Kaidan took her hand. "You are capable of so much more than you know, Lis. Whatever comes after this, we'll find our way, together."

She didn't say what she knew they both were thinking, that they might not be together. That there was every chance that one or both of them might not make it through the last leg alive. Kaidan was right, there would be time for that tomorrow. Instead she drained her glass and turned to straddle Kaidan on the couch. "Well if that's all there is to it, then lets get to the real purpose for your visit."

He grinned back at her, baring his teeth ever so slightly. "Let's do that."

* * *

The space station housing Cerberus headquarters was massive, yet they were managing to navigate it with EDI's guidance. What might have been a maze of corridors and locked doors was turning into a fairly straightforward path toward the center of the base. Other than the expected defenses of course.

Shepard fought defensively, firing off shots from her pistol from behind a crate or doorframe or just around a corner. The Cerberus troops were nowhere near as deadly as a Reaper banshee, but the turrets they deployed could rip through her barriers like they weren't even there. She let Kaidan and EDI do whatever tech magic they did on the turrets while she picked off the engineers. But once the turrets were no longer a threat, she Charged into the scene to work her own magic.

"Shepard," EDI said, scanning a nearby console, "you may want to review the contents of this terminal while I attempt to open the next door. I believe you will find them of interest."

Shepard began to review the logs while EDI went to work on the door.

She shook her head slowly. "I don't think I ever realized just how bad it was, how far they had to go. Did they actually do it? Am I really me, or just some high tech VI that thinks it's Commander Shepard?"

Kaidan drew in close behind her and said almost in a whisper, "You're real enough for me."

Shepard smiled in spite of herself. All the doubt, all the fear and mistrust, but here, here where it really mattered, it was really over. She'd realized it before, of course, but he only confirmed it now. She started the next entry.

Shepard could feel the heat rising up within her. These were her friends, the people she'd come to care about, and he'd _used _them. It shouldn't have surprised her; the Illusive Man had used a lot of people and he didn't think twice about doing so. She'd realized that when he'd set up Kaidan on Horizon. But that didn't stop the anger she felt at seeing it spelled out so clearly in front of her. "He better fucking be here!" Biotic energy flared around her. "I'll stab him in his fucking face!"

She felt a hand try to rest on her shoulder. She tightened her biotic field, pushing it away. Pushing _him _away. He pushed back.

"Shh, you're runnin' a little hot, there, Lis. I can't let you keep going like this."

She understood. He wasn't going to let her repeat the mistake she'd made at Sanctuary. "Its just... I think of all the people he's screwed with, the lives he's ruined, and I just..."

"I know." He squeezed her shoulder as firmly as he could through the hardsuit. "And we'll get him. We've come too far not to."

* * *

Shepard walked confidently into the comm room, grateful to have something approaching good news for once. She activated the link to Admiral Hackett. "Kai Leng is dead. And we got the Catalyst data. It's the Citadel."

Hackett frowned and nodded slowly. "We suspected as much. That would explain why they took it."

"Took it? The Citadel? But how?"

"We don't know, but the Reapers have taken it to Earth. This is it Shepard. This is where it's all going to end, one way or the other."

"All that preparation, and we still end up going against the Reapers head-on."

"I know, and yet that's what has to happen. We have to do this now. It's the only way any of us is going to survive this. We rendezvous at Arcturus in twelve hours. Hackett out."

* * *

She met Kaidan on the observation deck, the blur of FTL streaking across the window as they sped across the cluster.

"I guess this is it, then," he said, not taking his eyes off the view. "This is what it's all been leading up to." He felt Shepard's hand slide into his and turned to look at her. "Are you worried?"

Shepard shook her head. "You know, the anticipation's always worse than the actual battle. And standing here on the doorstep, you're right. We've done everything we could. Now we just have to see it through. Let's just get there, and end it."

She relaxed into his embrace then, and in silence they continued to look out at the stars.

* * *

"Admiral on deck!" Shepard announced as Admiral Hackett boarded the Normandy. His shuttle had been waiting to dock as soon as they came through the relay. Joker, understandably, remained seated, but the rest of the crew rose and saluted the Admiral as he and Shepard walked down the corridor to the war room.

"Shepard," Hackett said, activating the holographic display in the center of the room, "here's our problem." The holo showed the Citadel, orbiting Earth as a long, closed tube.

"They've closed the arms," she observed.

Hackett nodded. "And we need them open if we're going to dock the Crucible."

"So what's our plan?"

Silently, Hackett headed into the QEC room, Shepard following. He tapped at the console until Anderson's image materialized in front of them. "Admiral," Anderson nodded in acknowledgement. "Shepard, we think we have a way to reach the Citadel. The Reapers have set up a device here in the city; similar to the conduit on Ilos from what we can tell. They're using it to ferry bodies up to the Citadel. But if we can use that to board, we should be able to get those arms open."

Shepard nodded. "That's what we gotta do, then. Get to that conduit, board the Citadel, and get that fucker open."

"Then if you have no further questions, Commander," Hackett said, "I need to address the fleet."

* * *

_Never before have so many come together from all quarters of the galaxy. But never before have we faced an enemy such as this._

Shepard worked her way into armor that she'd shucked off mere hours before. She secured all the buckles and fastenings, checked the settings on her biotic amp and inserted it, and finally put on her visor. She examined her loadout: one lightweight Asari shotgun, complete with bayonet attachment, one heavy pistol with a scope in case she had need of distance work.

She looked across the armory at James as she made her way to the lift. Neither of them said a word, just nodded across the vastness of the shuttle bay. Nothing needed to be said; they were soldiers, and the battle was waiting.

_The Reapers will show us no mercy, we must give them no quarter._

She stepped off the lift onto the crew deck and entered Liara's quarters. The Asari stood at her console, frantically entering information. "I'm coordinating with my government," she said, "to get the message pods distributed." The pods, their own version of the Prothean beacons, their hope for the next cycle, if everything went sideways today. Shepard stepped to Liara's side, put a hand on her shoulder, and pulled her into a hug.

_They will terrorize our populations. We must stand fast in the face of that terror._

Her next stop was the forward battery, where she found Garrus and Tali standing together behind the Normandy's gigantic gun, their hands clasped together. On seeing the Commander enter the room, they tried to move apart, muttering excuses, but Shepard stepped between them, resting her hands on their shoulders, and smiled. "The Normandy's running at a hundred and ten percent. Wouldn't be fair of me to deny either of you a little break." She paused. "But it's time." Garrus laid a hand on hers, while Tali gave a single nod. They were ready.

_They will advance until our last city falls, but we will not fall. We will prevail._

Kaidan met her on the lift as she re-entered to proceed to the bridge. Wordlessly, he reached over and grasped her hand, squeezing it gently but releasing it as the doors opened. He remained behind at the CIC as she headed toward the bridge, but she didn't feel alone.

"All fleets reporting in, Commander," Joker told her as she approached. "Ready to head through the relay on your command."

Shepard nodded. "Do it." She felt the brief gravitic distortion as the Normandy shot through the relay, then gazed through the viewscreen, marveling at the sight of thousands of ships jumping into place all around them. "Here we go."

She started to turn and head back toward the shuttle bay. "Commander, wait!" Joker called, hauling himself up from the pilot's chair and turning to face her. He raised his right hand into a perfect salute. "Be careful down there."

"We'll be fine," Shpeard said, returning the salute. "Stay focused. See you on the other side."

_Each of us will be defined by our actions in the coming battle. Stand fast, stand strong. Stand together. Hackett out._

* * *

The FOB wasn't in much better shape than the rest of the city, but Anderson and his men had kept the location protected so far. She set the rest of her crew to find whatever tasks they could assist with as she consulted with Anderson and his second, Major Coats. "The beam is guarded by a Reaper destroyer. Any assault on the beam is pointless until we take that thing out." Anderson activated a holographic map and scrolled to that part of the city. "Now, we have trucks positioned along here," he pointed to a nearby street, "and the missiles onboard should have enough firepower to take out the Reaper."

"But," Coats continued, "the roads between here and there have been thoroughly destroyed. We'll need to split up, try to get through on foot. I'm glad you'll be joining us, Commander."

Shepard nodded. "I'm honored. But you've got a lot of good soldiers here. And I'd trust any one of them to see this through."

"Of course," Coats replied. "But it's more than that. Like it or not, you're a hero to these men and women. Don't discount the effect that can have on them."

Shepard nodded and turned to face the room, to see her team gathered, waiting for her orders. Waiting to hear what she had to say. "All right, team. This is it. The job in front of us isn't gonna be easy. But I have every confidence that you're up to the task. It's been a long road, and a tough one. But we are gonna end it right here. Today." She looked out to see the sea of faces nodding as one, confident that they would see this through.

"Okay, then," Anderson said, "we move in five."

Shepard met Kaidan's eyes from across the room and threaded her way through the crowd to meet him. "Hey."

"Hey," he replied.

They stood there for a moment, just looking at each other, taking in everything they could. Kaidan was the first to speak again. "This is it, Shepard. We both know the score. We both know this is-"

"Shh," she puts a hand to his face, brushing her thumb across his lips. Don't say it. We could both be dead now a dozen times over. This is no different."

"It is, though. Because this is where it all ends, one way or another."

Shepard nodded slowly. He was right, she knew. "So how's your squad? They ready?"

"They've been in London for the past few weeks now. They've been in the thick of things. They're ready." Kaidan turned and looked out at the sky, at the signs of the battle raging above. "I guess we're just old soldiers, Shepard."

She smiled. "Guess so."

"You know, it's funny. Messed up kid that I was, I never would have dreamed of the life I had. And I owe a lot of that to you."

Shepard stepped forward to stand beside him. "Now who's not giving himself enough credit?" She grabbed his arm and turned him to face her. "I didn't make you who you are, Kaidan. Neither did Vyrnnus. Neither did Conatix. You did that."

A small laugh escaped his lips. "Maybe I did."

"I hope you're ready, then. Because it's time to end this." Shepard began to turn, but Kaidan put a hand to her waist, pulling her toward him and pressing his lips to hers. She allowed herself one last moment to enjoy the sensation, to take in every taste, every smell of him, before breaking the kiss.

"Please come back," Kaidan whispered. "I can't lose you again."

Shepard turned away before he could see the tears in her eyes.


End file.
